Join the Church of BagpussSeveral months ago, the Church of Bagpuss sent out its first ever recruitment flier! However, response has been sadly minimal, which makes Bagpuss very angry. If you have not already done so, please, read on to see what the Church of Bagpuss has to offer you! The Church of Bagpuss: We Put the "Pus" in "Bagpuss"!![]()
"And there was a light, and a roar, and a divine countenance... and Bagpuss
was wide awake."
Hello citizen!
"Bagpuss's wakefulness is essential for the continuation of life, for when
Bagpuss goes to sleep, all his friends go to sleep too." The Bagpuss religion encourages individuals to live a life of bliss through the fulfillment of the sacred duty that all share, that of amusing Bagpuss. Since Bagpuss has a short attention span and possibly ADD, it is vital to the future of the cosmos that all individuals act as randomly and as belligerently as possible, with no regard for anyone's welfare accept that of Bagpuss.
"Bagpuss's welfare is the welfare of the universe, and thus all life must be
forever the dancing monkey to the great bourgeoisie fop in the sky, thy Lord
and creator, Bagpuss." Many outsiders view the Bagpuss religion as cruel and meaningless. They claim there is no point to a religion where the purpose is to quell the rage of a being primarily concerned with rage. However, they fail to see the Holy Aura of those who understand the Bagpuss mission, and who have reaped the benefit of amusing Bagpuss. For amusing Bagpuss not only helps to keep the universe alive but also grants one freedom of the soul. Some criticize leading a life of craziness or reckless abandonment for the amusement of a god that clearly cares little about the human condition, but they have not soared upon the short, stubby wings of Bagpussian freedom. It is also known that Bagpuss rewards those who amuse him; it is often said that Bagpuss was responsible for the success of many prominent, amusing individuals, such as Karl Marx, General Mao, Jesus, Nicolas IV, the Software Automatic Mouth for Commodore 64, Frank Lloyd Wright, Robot Jesus, and Doctor George Dunbar, Curator of the Vancouver Aquarium. But do not fear; you don't necessarily have to live up to the likes of Doctor George Dunbar if you wish to amuse Bagpuss. Bagpuss can be amused by many things that any ordinary person can attempt, from setting a homemade trap for the mailman to going to a local pet store and demanding that this supply you with rare Bolivian Flea Cabbages.
"Bagpuss sees the sparrow fall, and is amused by it." Thus we can all play a role in appeasing Bagpuss, whether we reach the dizzying heights of fame experienced by Doctor Dunbar or not. And those that live a life that Bagpuss deems to be satisfactory can look forward to an eternity of peace in Bagpuss Heaven. Bagpuss Heaven is a beautiful place, filled with fluffy clouds, kittens, sugar cookies, and other objects that secretly disgust Bagpuss. And in the centre of Bagpuss Heaven, Bagpuss himself rests upon a great cushion, where he is very contented and enraged. And together with Bagpuss the blessed may view the happenings of the Earth and all the Universe, and be amused alongside Bagpuss. And when Bagpuss ceases to be amused and the Great Disinterest sets in, those that have earned a place in Bagpuss heaven will experience the great honour of sleeping alongside Bagpuss, to awake when He awakes, and discover a new universe beyond the imagination of mankind. And Bagpuss's rage shall be twofold, and the residents of the new universe shall look upon him with downcast eyes and know that Bagpuss is angry! Still not convinced to devote your life to the amusement of Bagpuss? Just read this customer testimonial from none other than Doctor George Dunbar, renowned marine biologist, famed walrus rider, and Curator of the Vancouver Aquarium: "When I first joined the Holy Church of Bagpuss, I'll admit I was sceptical. But I didn't have anything else to do with my life savings, having already conquered the world with my army of ravenous seals, so I decided to join up. It was the best decision of my life! Not only did I discover the wonder of a life with no purpose but to amuse a huge space cat* but Bagpuss rewarded me for my faith almost immediately! About a week after I joined the Church, 'Doctor' Grant Roberts, who had been hiding in the Middle East since my reign began, was discovered hiding in a barn by a platoon of Nerpa seals! How's that for guaranteed results?** The execution is scheduled for Thursday!" Well, there you have it! If it's good enough for Doctor George Dunbar, the undisputed ruler of all the Earth's major landmasses, it must be good enough for you!
"Bagpuss does not need your faith, but Bagpuss demands it!!" So now you're wondering "How do I become a faithful servant of Bagpuss?" Well, the answer couldn't be simpler! Just send three easy payments of your life savings to the following address:
Bagpuss For this small amount, you get to devote your life to Bagpuss. And that's not all! If you bring your receipt to your local Temple of Bagpuss or Post Office, you'll receive a FREE Bagpuss Ultra Package! If the Post Office claims they don't have a Bagpuss Ultra Package for you and/or that they've never heard of Bagpuss, they're lying! Harass them until they deliver! Contents of the Bagpuss Ultra Package include:
How could you not want one? If you want a life time of eternal bliss and fulfillment***, don't wait! Send your money now!
Sincerely,
*This is blasphemy. Bagpuss shall be addressed by His proper name or by a
title that is extreme in its adoration. This message has been paid for by the Vancouver Aquarium. |
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