"Fair Cordelia, hear my plea. I love thee." Lindsey chases after her.

"Get lost, Evil Lawyer Dude." Exit Cordelia.

"Hey, Lindsey, I hate to interrupt you when you've been put down by a woman," Lee snickers into his sleeve while Lila just gloats, "but methinks it's time to draw our bodkins and sally into the fray."

"What are you talking about, Lee? I swear you have no language skills as well as no people skills," Lila responds.

"He means draw our swords and help our clients, Lila."

"Why do I have to have a sword and fight? I'm a woman."

"Oh, really," Lindsey & Lee answer together. Lila fires them a dirty look, and the three lawyers draw their swords and enter the melee. From down the street, Angel appears, carrying an axe. Lindsey gets as far away from him as possible while staying in the battle. Blood is drawn, and the vampires who haven't been dusted lick their lips. Suddenly a voice rings out, "Cease and desist all of you!" It is Kate Lockley, the police chief, whose men start parting the combatants. "There will be no more of this brawling, or I'll exile everybody I catch and send them to Fresno!"

Everybody gasps in horror! As the crowd breaks up, a young messenger named Xander enters, looking for Cordelia. Lindsey stops him. "What do you desire with the fair Cordelia, varlet?"

"You talkin' to me?" Xander replies. "What's a varlet anyway?"

"A minion, an underling, etc. So what do you want with Cordelia?"

"I have an invitation for her to attend tonight's masked ball at Angel's Hotel."

Lindsey plucks the invitation from Xander's hand and reads it to his companions. "It would seem that Angel is having a masked ball at his hotel tonight, to make a long story less long."

"Too late," chorus Lee, Lila, & Xander in unison. Lindsey frowns and hands the invitation back to Xander, who goes off in search of Cordelia.

"Methinks we must attend yon party tonight. Go and find costumes. And don't forget masks, especially you, Lee. Now begone. We meet here in two hours time!" Lindsey, who has closets full of costumes set aside for occasions such as this (although he had never needed any before) exits.

"They really don't give a girl much time to plan for a costume," Lila complains.

"Why don't you just wear some fig leaves & go as Eve? That's who you wanted to be in an earlier story anyway." Lee rushes off before Lila can spear him with her sword.

Scene: Angel's Hotel Ballroom

Lindsey, Lee, & Lila enter. Lindsey is dressed as Commander Riker from Star Trek; Lila has taken the fig leaf advice, but she's freezing to death. Lee is dressed in the only costume he could find: a weasel. "I told you to wear a costume, Lee," Lila says. He sticks his tongue out at her. Meanwhile Lindsey looks around the ballroom for Cordelia. Just then, in walks a lovely girl dressed as Deanna Troi in one of the gowns they let her wear in the early seasons before they made her wear a uniform. Lindsey's heart stops (just for a second, or there wouldn't be any more story, would there?), and he rushes to her side as if drawn by a magnet. She looks at him in awe. Their souls touch.   Cordelia? Cordelia who?

"Who are you, my futuristic beauty? And, as I've seen you in my dreams and you've been a blonde, where did the dark hair come from?"

"I am Rosemary, adopted daughter of Angel, and the dark hair is a wig, of course! Everybody knows Deanna Troi is a brunette!"

Lindsey's heart skips a beat. This girl whom he would love until he died (which actually does not seem like such a long time at this moment) is the daughter of his firm's sworn enemy. Oh, well, I'll think about it tomorrow. Let's enjoy tonight.

The couple dances together, although the music from Prokofiev's Romeo & Juliet ballet was exceptionally difficult to slow dance to. Every eye is on this twosome, including that of Count Wesley, to whom Rosemary had been promised that very day by her father. Spotting them, Gunn rushes down, ready to kill Lindsey or at least to cut his hand off. However, Angel, the head of the household, stops him. "This is no place or no time to shed blood, Gunn. They are behaving well, that is, except for the weasel over there who has left the refreshment table practically empty and the girl in the leaves who has been seducing every man she can get her hands on. On second thought, let's get rid of them now."

As the entire Angel establishment heads toward them, Lindsey, Lila, & Lee take to their heels & flee. Rosemary weeps.

Scene: Rosemary's balcony

"Lindsey, Lindsey, wherefore art thou Lindsey?" Rosemary muses.

"I'm right here in the garden, Rosemary. Can't you see me?"

"Silly, you know what I mean is ‘why are you Lindsey,' not ‘where are you.' Why are you who you are, a lawyer with our sworn enemy Wolfram & Hart? Deny thy job and refuse thy thundering raise and ungodly benefits, or if you won't (and I really don't blame you, considering what a poor child you were), then be but sworn my love and I'll no longer be a member of Angel's family."

Lindsey tries to climb up the ivy to kiss Rosemary, but falls. Laughing, she points out the stairs. She runs down and they kiss and hug. Lindsey tries sliding his hand down her bodice, but she pulls away. "I'm a no sex before marriage girl."

"You weren't in ‘Imzadi,' Imzadi!"

"This is a different century, bud. Meet me at the church tomorrow at noon. Be there or be square."

"Which church? This is a big city with lots of churches."

"St. Malachi's. And have a marriage license ready. I'll square it with the priest."

They kiss again, and again, and again, and. . .

"Well, maybe I'm a no sex until the night before the marriage girl." They climb the stairs to her bedchamber.

Scene: Rosemary's bedchamber

As Rosemary and Lindsey are comporting themselves with abandon in her large, extremely comfortable bed, Rosemary's friend, companion, lady's maid, and witch Willow enters. "Good morrow, friend Rosemary. Time to arise. Oh, my goodness, it would appear that something has already arisen!"

"Several times, good Willow. If you wouldst leave, perhaps even more often," Rosemary remarks. Lindsey grins like a Cheshire cat.

"Your father is on his way up here with your fiancé, the Count Wesley. They desire an audience with you anon. Prithee garb thyself while this young man flees before they find him here, for I know, as I am a witch, that he is one of the evil Wolfram & Hart lawyers. I shall prepare a contraceptive spell, as I am sure that thought has not even crossed your minds."

"You're engaged!" Lindsey exclaims, as he starts to jump out of bed and then, remembering Willow standing there, ducks back under the covers again.

"Well, I actually had no choice in the matter. But I'm marrying you at St. Malachi's today. We'll take care of my fiancé later. Willow, my trusted friend, either close your eyes or leave."

Although Willow appears to close her eyes, she is actually watching in Rosemary's mirror as Lindsey gets out of bed. He's really hot, she thinks to herself. What a body!

Leaving the chamber, she heads for the servants' quarters looking for Oz, the head footman. He has an hour or two to spare, so they also comport themselves with abandon, but not as much abandon as Rosemary and Lindsey because his bed is not as big as Rosemary's.

As Lindsey leaves her chamber via the balcony, Angel enters with Count Wesley.

"I have brought your loving fiancé to you, Rosemary. Rise and greet him."

"Adopted father, I am dismayed that you would bring a young man into the bedchamber of a maiden. Have you no sense of propriety? You bring a blush to my cheek." Wesley and Angel look ashamed and leave the room. Rosemary tosses Lindsey's undergarment out the window for him to catch. Quickly dressing, she joins the men in the antechamber.

"Count Wesley, I greet you. Although I am not unaware of the honor you have given me by suing for my hand in marriage (oops, she realizes, we don't use the word ‘suing' in this household which is the sworn enemy of Wolfram & Hart), I do not feel that I am yet ready for the responsibilities of the wedded state. And, as a maiden, I am loath to perform that most intimate of roles. (What a good liar I am, Rosemary thinks. I'll make a great wife for a lawyer!) I ask that you wait for me to reach the age of maturity that I may take on the role of your wife with the dignity and decorum that such a state requires."

"Rosemary, you're over 21. You should have been married a long time ago, like maybe when you were 13 or 14. After all, this is the 16^th century!"

"Dearest Count Wesley," Rosemary replies, kissing his cheek. "I am indeed the most fortunate of women to be your betrothed, particularly because such damsels as the fair Cordelia and the Lady Parker are lusting for you. I know that you are indeed anxious to enter into a state of monogamy with me as soon as possible, and I rejoice in your desire to forsake all others."

"Angel, my friend, your adopted daughter may be right. Perhaps we should delay this marriage until she indeed feels that she is ready for the great honor I am bestowing on her. In the meantime. . ." Wesley bows and heads off in search of the fair Cordelia.

Angel frowns at his adopted daughter. "Rosemary, I truly hope that you have no intention of seeing that lawyer who crashed our party. It would behoove me to sever his right hand and possibly other less visible but equally useful appendages from his body."

He turns and leaves.

Scene: St. Malachi's church

Rosemary and Lindsey, a marriage license clasped in his hand, kneel in front of Giles, who has produced documents proclaiming him a priest in several offbeat cults. Drusilla and her doll serve as their witnesses. Giles pronounces them man and wife. "Is this legal?" Rosemary asks.

"I'm a lawyer, and I only do things within the law. Now let's go home and go to bed."

"You must come to me under the cover of darkness, oh love of my life."

"I will definitely come to you under the covers, my bride." They kiss passionately and go their separate ways. Drusilla pulls out her doll and begins to cuddle it. Giles shrugs and goes back to his musty books.

Scene: The street

As Lee and Lila stroll down the main street waiting for Lindsey, they come upon Charles Gunn, who faces Lila and says, "Lila, you consort with Lindsey!"

"I wish," she mutters under her breath. "I mean, those are fighting words, you scum of an Angel follower. Have at you!" She & Gunn draw swords and begin to duel. Lindsey, horrified that a member of his bride's house is fighting his friend, tries to stop the duel, but Lila is stabbed through the heart.

"A pox on both your houses," she cries as she dies in Lindsey's arms, spattering blood all over the left side of his face and his shirt collar.

Horrified at the death of his friend, Lindsey draws his sword and rushes at Gunn. They duel and Gunn is slain. Before Lindsey can summon demons to dispose of the bodies, Kate appears.

"Honestly, Lindsey, didn't you think I meant it? You are exiled to Fresno." Everyone gasps. "Get out of here first thing tomorrow morning. And take the Weasel with you."

"But I didn't do anything," Lee stammers.

"I don't care. I just can't stand you." Kate turns on her heel and marches off. Lee weeps.

Scene: Rosemary's bedchamber

"Let us make the most of our only night together, my bride, as I must away to Fresno tomorrow." Lindsey gasps as they consummate their marriage.

Moaning, Rosemary begs, "Cannot your adopted father Holland produce a writ of habeas corpus or non sequiter or cave canum or caveat emptor or something?"

As his panting slows down, Lindsey replies, "What does ‘beware of the dog' or ‘let the buyer beware' have to do with this?"

"I failed Latin twice at St. Mary's School for High Class Virgins. Anyway, can't he help?"

"He is, of course, filing an appeal, but that takes forever. In the meantime, your adopted father, who is also my adopted father in law, is preparing a wrongful death suit against me for Gunn's death. So Holland is countersuing for Lila's. This will be tied up in the courts for years. Come with me, my love."

Rosemary thinks, trying and failing to ignore Lindsey's hands, which are going where no one had gone before until last night. "I wouldst go with you even unto Fresno, but I cannot leave the house again. I told my adopted father that I had gone shopping yesterday and he believes that I have spent too many of his ducats."

"Did you?"

"Actually, I did. I purchased this beautiful negligee for our wedding night. It cost many ducats."

"You were wearing a negligee? I didn't notice."

As her ecstasy grows, Rosemary mutters, "Men! Can't live with them, but who'd want to live without them!"

Finally the sun is rising. Lindsey takes his leave and climbs down the balcony again, just as Rosemary's mother and father enter her chamber. She pulls the covers up to her chin and quickly slips Lindsey's undergarment and her negligee under the sheets. That man needs to learn to dress faster!

"Daughter, I bring you joyous news. You and the Count Wesley are to be wed on the morrow. My daughter will be a beautiful bride! We will shop until we drop today for your trousseau. Bring along the fair Willow to carry the packages." Buffy, Rosemary's adopted mother, knew what the important things in life were.

"Wesley has agreed to a wedding so soon, my parents? I thought he had decided to wait."

"When I found him with the fair Cordelia, I informed her that he had just left the bedchamber of the Lady Parker. I then went to the Lady Parker and informed her that I had found him with the fair Cordelia. So now he is quite anxious to marry you," Angel proudly announced to his daughter. Buffy and Rosemary frowned.

"You're marrying our daughter to a sleazebag like that! Shame on you, Angel. Now leave." He slinks out as his wife throws a goblet at him. "Now, daughter, dress. We have much to do. I will fetch Willow from the servants' quarters, where she is no doubt frolicking with the head footman."

"Mother, why am I adopted? Why am I not your own flesh and blood? I look like you."

"Actually, my darling, it is time for the truth to be told. You are indeed my daughter, but Angel is not your father. Should we make love, he would be transformed into a vicious vampire. Your father was a sweet young soldier named Riley. Angel killed him after you were born. He wanted an heir, but, being a vampire, he is unable to sire by normal means. So he sent me out to find someone to be your father. There was another young man, but he just wanted to have fun. When he dumped me, I had your father kill him."

"Which father, Angel or Riley?"

"Angel, of course. Now rise and dress. By the way, why are you sleeping in the nude?"

"I got too warm?" Buffy shoots her daughter an "I know what you were doing" look and leaves the room. Enter Willow, bearing clean garments.

"Willow, I am sore dismayed. I cannot marry the Count Wesley, as I am already married and bigamy is a serious crime here. Also he is scum. Cordelia and Parker both in the same day!"

"My dearest friend, I will prepare a spell which will make you appear dead. Then I will send a messenger to Fresno to find Lindsey and tell him to come find you in the family crypt. You can run off together. I will pack your clothing, your stuffed animals, your collection of Star Trek books, and all of your jewelry for you."

"Willow, you are a treasure. I cannot thank you enough. You had best conjure a large enough carriage to hold all of my belongings. And don't forget enough ducats for us to live on until Lindsey gets established in the Fresno branch of Wolfram & Hart!"

"I will prepare the potion, but I don't need to conjure a carriage. I can get one from Hertz Rent-a-Carriage, and you can turn it in in Fresno." Willow leaves.

Scene: Rosemary's bedchamber

"My baby! My baby! My baby is dead!" Buffy sobbed.

"My dear little girl is dead!" Angel sobbed.

"My bride to be is dead. And I'm dead meat with Cordelia and Parker!" Wesley sobbed.

"There's always Darla," Angel advises, patting him on the shoulder. Buffy throws goblets at both of them as they head out in the direction of Darla's place.

Scene: Angel's family crypt.

"I swear it's getting so that a vampire can't get a good night's sleep any more," Spike moaned.

Rising from the slab next to him, Harmony informs him that there are really great alternatives to sleep. Spike agrees and turns his attention to his blonde vampire girlfriend. Rosemary's body is placed on a slab and the door to the crypt is shut.

Scene: Fresno

Xander rides into town and searches for Lindsey to give him Willow's note. He finds Lee standing on a street corner with a tin cup and a sign, "Will litigate for food." "Weren't you with Lindsey?" Xander asks. "I have a message for him."

"You have a massage for him? I need it more than he does. He is already hard at work at the Wolfram & Hart office here, whereas I have no job, no food, and he will not share his dwelling with me, as he believes I have the hots for him."

"Do you?" Lee nods sheepishly.

"His heart is filled with his bride and his schemes to return to her. Whereas I have nothing." He weeps. Xander, moved by his plight, puts his arm around Lee. As he is about to comfort the sobbing ex-lawyer, Anya, who has accompanied him on his trip, grabs his arm with great force.

"Just a minute, Xander. I may have lost my powers, but I haven't forgotten what it is to be a vengeance demon. Give him the message and let's go. We haven't had sex in four hours!" Xander hands the message to Lee and they head for the Fresno Arms Hotel.

Lindsey, meanwhile, unable to be happy without Rosemary, has gone to Tara's Spells and purchased a vial of poison. He has just heard from the town crier that Rosemary is dead, and he heads off to Los Angeles to join his beloved in death.

Scene: the tomb

Lindsey arrives in the tomb and beholds his bride lying still and cold on the slab. He also hears, "Spike, you never take me anywhere. Let's go get someone to eat!"

"You are driving me crazy, you blonde ignoramus. Get out. Go shop or something." He throws ducats at her. She picks them up and takes off, ignoring Lindsey.

"When Rosemary & I got married yesterday, Spike, we saw Dru. She's over at the church. Maybe you can lure her away and bite her and make her your mate. That Harmony is a real airhead!"

"Unfortunately, mate, I can't bite anybody because of some spell the Initiative cast over me. But maybe I can find a friend who'll bite her for me. Thanks a lot." Exit Spike.

Lindsey bends over Rosemary. "I cannot live without you, my darling. I will take this poison and die beside your lovely body." He drinks. Just then Rosemary sits up.

"Lindsey, you got my message and have come for me. Let us leave now. I have a carriage loaded with my things waiting outside."

"Sadly, my love, that is not to be. I have just drunk poison. I am dying, Egypt, dying."

"That's from Anthony & Cleopatra. I may have flunked Latin, but I got straight A's in English literature."

"Great. I'm dying and you correct me."

"You're not dying, silly. Willow knew that Tara, her friend, is the only witch in Fresno, so she sent her a vision not to sell you real poison. That's just gin! I have some orange juice here so, if you have any left, we can have screwdrivers."

"I have a better idea. Let's get out of here now. I understand San Francisco is a great place to live. And Wolfram & Hart has a branch office there." They exit.

Scene: the town square

"Angel, Buffy, Holland, do you see what this feud has done to your families. Your beloved children are dead. You must end this feud now. Shake hands and vow that never again will innocent blood be shed in these streets." Kate Lockley looked down on them from her podium.

"Actually, they're not dead. Both of them are off to make a fresh start. Be happy for them. Right, Spikey? Harmony said, clinging to the vampire's arm.

"Now you've done it, you little twit!" Spike heads for the church, ducking spikes as the fighting breaks out again.

Swords drawn, Angel & Holland face each other. "You have to admit, it's more fun this way. I hate peace, don't you?" Holland asks.

Lunging at him, Angel nods in agreement. Kate shakes her head and leaves in disgust.