A scream rang out through the halls of the Wyndham-Pryce manor in the wee hours of the morning. “Oh, my God, help me!!!” It was the beautiful parlourmaid, Darla. As she stood there screaming in her extremely short and extremely low cut maid’s uniform, which showed very clearly the reasons she had been hired for the job, the household came rushing into the huge library full of extremely expensive leather- bound volumes. First came Giles, the butler, a large silver tray in his hand.
“Darla, settle yourself. Why are you screaming? Have you sighted a mouse?”Oz, the footman, was the next to enter the room, followed by the housekeeper, Tara. The two of them continually shot evil looks at one another. No one knew why they had suddenly felt such animosity, as they had formerly been good friends. It had all started when Sir Wesley decided to have his books catalogued.
“What in the world is going on here?” Sir Wesley, the lord of the manor, had just entered the room, wrapping his dressing gown around him.
His wife, Lady Cordelia, followed in his footsteps. “Darla, must you shriek so? You are ruining my beauty sleep!”
“And you do need it!” Darla muttered under her breath, wiping her mouth with a clean dustcloth and rearranging her face. Cordelia’s lady’s maid Drusilla came into the room, looked at Darla, and winked.
Holland Manners, the American millionaire, had just entered the room along with his “secretary” Lilah and his handsome young assistant Lindsey. “Wesley, I demand an explanation! My poor secretary was frightened to death and I was obliged to go to her room and comfort her!”
Lindsey shook his head. “Sure, sure!” he thought. He knew all about Holland and Lilah and was considering a little blackmail. Or perhaps Holland’s wife Catherine would need a little comforting herself. After all she was beautiful and was only a few years older than Lindsey.
Willow Rosenberg, the lovely red-haired young American who was helping Sir Wesley to catalogue all of the rare volumes in the library and was the source of the animosity between Oz and Tara, asked, “Why is Darla screaming?”
“Yes, why, Darla?” Sir Wesley also asked.
“Oh, sir, he’s. . .he’s dead!” Darla pointed to a body on the floor. It was Wesley’s Irish cousin Sir Liam Angelus. He lay on the carpeted floor, two holes in the side of his neck trailing blood, his body a stark white, and a look of pure bliss on his face.
Drusilla moved over close to Darla and touched the corner of her mouth. “You missed a spot!” she whispered. Darla quickly wiped the red teardrop from her mouth.
Just then another loud shriek pierced the air. “Angel, my Angel!!!” It was the Honorable Buffy Summersville, daughter of the Earl of Sunnydale and Liam’s fiancée. The beautiful blonde threw herself on her lover’s body and sobbed. Darla threw her a look of pure hatred. Lindsey had come over to offer Darla a shoulder to cry on, but she turned to Holland Manners, remembering that he was rich and Lindsey, although very handsome, was just a poor boy who had managed to educate himself above his station in life. While Holland hugged her and patted her back all the way down to her lovely rear, murmuring, “There, there, now, my dear,” to Lindsey’s and Lilah’s absolute disgust (which was the first thing they’d ever agreed on), she examined his neck. Nice veins, she thought.
Liam’s illegitimate American half-brother Xander finally made it into the room, his wife Anya hanging on his arm. “My brother! Dead!” As Xander pretended to grieve, he thought, all that money is now mine! Thank goodness this happened before he married Buffy! He took Anya in his arms and whispered this thought into her ear. He could feel her nodding. He could also feel her hands gently rubbing his bottom. Damn, he thought, let’s hurry this up & go back to bed.
“Sir, shall I phone the constabulary?” Giles asked.
“Please do so at your earliest convenience,” his master Wesley replied.
Giles, still bearing the tray, left the room. He turned back. “You had better touch nothing until the police arrive.”
Soon two cars pulled up to the front door and the chief of police, Kate Locksley (who fancied herself to be a descendant of Robin of Locksley, also known as Robin Hood, and had changed the spelling of her last name to suit this idea) entered along with Sergeant Gunn, her trusted assistant.
Following behind them was the vicar’s daughter, Rosemary. As she entered the room, her eyes met Lindsey’s and locked with his. Like a man in a dream, he moved to her side. “I love you,” he said, and he meant it.
“I love you too. What’s your name?”
“Lindsey MacDonald. And yours? Just your first name, as I intend to make your last name MacDonald as soon as possible.”
“I’m Rosemary, and. . .”
“THAT’S FOR REMEMBRANCE!” everyone in the room chorused. God knows they had heard that many, many times before.
Kate Locksley knelt by the body. She tried to examine it, but it was completely covered by the sobbing Buffy. “Please move, so I can make my examination.” Buffy continued to sob. “Please move.” Buffy continued to sob. “GET OFF HIS BODY NOW!!!!” Buffy slowly stood and looked daggers at Kate. “Sergeant Gunn, your thoughts, please.”
“It’s obvious. Snakebite! Look at those fang marks. Must be one huge snake!” Rosemary jumped into Lindsey’s arms. Lady Cordelia jumped into her husband Wesley’s arms. Anya jumped into Xander’s arms. Willow looked at Oz and then at Tara and jumped into Giles’ arms. Oz and Tara glared at each other and then at Giles. Giles blushed furiously.
Sobbing, Buffy threw herself onto the carpeted floor. “Take me, snake! Take me, so my Angel and I can be together!” Everybody shook their heads sadly. What a ditz!
Kate looked at the wounds again. “I’m sorry Gunn, but I know of no snakes with that large a spread between their fangs, and I’m sure he wouldn’t have smiled like that if a snake were attacking him. He was stabbed with a large two-tined fork, like a serving fork or a barbecue fork!”
“But if that were the case, where did the blood go? There’s none on the floor,” Gunn pointed out as Darla burped loudly.
“It was quite rich,” she murmured to Drusilla.
“Why didn’t you share?” Drusilla asked.
“Because you can have him,” Darla replied, pointing to Sir Wesley’s valet William, or, as they all called him, William the Bloody Bore.
“He is rather cute. We had best go to our rooms and draw the curtains before the sun comes up.” The two maids stealthily moved out of the library. Drusilla crooked her finger at William and he followed her. Darla came back and moved over to Lilah.
“How would you like to change your name to Delilah?” she whispered to her.
“It already is, but I go by Lilah so people don’t make fun of me. Why do you ask?”
“Because it goes so well with Darla and Drusilla. Very alliterative.” Burping again, this time gently, the blonde maid left the room.
Kate shook her head. “Perhaps we should try to ascertain who had a motive for killing Sir Liam. Let’s question the suspects, Sergeant Gunn. I’ll take the males, and you take the females.” This was easier said than done, however, as three couples refused to split up. Finally Kate said, “All right, Lord Wyndham-Pryce, I’ll take you and your wife first. Gunn, you take the two kissing over in the corner,” she said, pointing at Lindsey & Rosemary, who were indeed kissing quite heartily. “I can’t believe the two of them just met!”
Taking Lindsey and Rosemary aside, who continued kissing as they followed him, Sergeant Gunn asked, “What happened to your arm?” for Lindsey’s right arm ended in a bandaged stump midway between his elbow and wrist.
Taking a deep breath, Lindsey replied, “It was cut off.”
Rosemary looked at his bandaged stump. “I didn’t notice. Tell me who did it & I’ll cut off his. . .” Lindsey silenced her with a kiss. Gunn waited patiently until they came up for air again.
“Who cut it off? Sir Liam Angelus?”
Lindsey nodded.
“Why?”
“I was borrowing a scroll from the library for my employer, Holland Manners, the American millionaire, and I saw that the fire was getting low. I was going to feed the scroll to the fire to keep it burning when he threw an axe at me.”
“I wonder why he didn’t just yell ‘Stop!’” But Lindsey didn’t answer as he and Rosemary were kissing again.
As his hand (the good left one) moved to the buttons on her blouse, she gently and playfully slapped it. “Not until we’re married.”
“Isn’t your father the vicar?” She nodded. “Well, what are we waiting for?” The two, her right hand in his left, departed for her house.
“We’ll have to get a special license, but we can probably be married by late afternoon,” Gunn heard her say as they left the room.
Meanwhile Kate was questioning Sir Wesley & Lady Cordelia in the latter’s boudoir. Actually she was questioning Sir Wesley. Lady Cordelia was putting on makeup and fixing her hair. “Lady Cordelia, if it’s no bother, I’d like to ask you something. Why isn’t your maid fixing your hair?”
“Actually it is a bother. Can’t you see I’m trying to make myself presentable? You know, you should wear some makeup and do something with your hair! And those clothes!!!” Cordelia turned back to the mirror. “And my maid Drusilla has a terrible allergic reaction to sunlight, so she only comes out after dark unless it’s a typical foggy English day.”
“Doesn’t that make it difficult for you?” Kate asked, trying to overlook the insults.
“It’s fine if I want to go out in the evening or have a dinner party.”
“Sir Wesley, is it true that you and your wife used to work for your cousin Sir Liam?”
Taking a deep drag on his pipe, Wesley nodded. “Then we inherited the family fortune and came over here to live. Liam was not at all happy that we left his employ. He also felt that the fortune should have been his. We had often quarreled about that.”
“Just how did the fortune come to you, Lord Wesley?”
“His father died before my father. The circumstances were similar to those of his own death. Two puncture wounds in the throat and the body drained of blood. It was quite lucky for us that they died in that order, or the money would have gone to Liam. His mother had been an heiress and had left him all of her money, which is why he was rich.”
Kate and Gunn met down in the library to compare notes. “So far I haven’t found any trace of a motive. Have you?” Kate asked.
“No, I doubt that having your hand cut off would be enough to make you want to kill someone.”
“You’re right. Whose hand was cut off? I didn’t notice.”
“The American millionaire’s assistant, Lindsey.”
“He seemed to be doing quite well with one hand with the vicar’s daughter. By the way, where’s the body?” The body no longer lay in the middle of the floor. The French windows were open and the heavy fog found its way into the library.
In the greenhouse Darla and Drusilla were covering the bodies of Sir Liam and William the Bloody Bore with dirt. “Now we each have a boyfriend!” Darla said. Drusilla licked her lips and burped gently.
There came a horrible din from the kitchen. Kate and Gunn rushed in there to find Tara and Oz throwing pots and pans at each other while Harmony, the cook who dressed like a maid in a short, low cut black dress, was making breakfast. She ducked quite skillfully while continuing to fry, sauté, scramble, poach, and toast. Giles was attempting to halt the conflict with no success.
“Stay away from Willow! She’s mine! Mine!” Oz shouted at Tara.
“No way, Jose! She & I share a powerful bond. We are both witches and she loves me.”
“If it were the full moon, I’d take care of you, you blonde harridan!”
“Tough luck, Red. The full moon is three weeks away.”
Kate looked at Gunn. “Have you any idea what they’re talking about?”
“Not a clue. I do remember, though, that every month a number of sheep are found dead around the time of the full moon. It must be a wolf.”
“Maybe he’s a wolf worshipper and plans to sacrifice her to his wolf god. We can’t let this happen, Sergeant. Make a note to keep an eye on him then.”
As they left the kitchen, Harmony let the young constable Riley Finn in. He rolled up his sleeve & let her refresh herself. Meanwhile Tara got a headlock on the smaller Oz. Giles gave up trying to keep order and left to see to the setting of the table for breakfast.
Kate found Xander and Anya in their bedroom and began to question them. “Where were you when Sir Liam was killed?”
“Here in bed having sex,” Anya answered.
“Aha, I’ve got you. How do you know when he was killed?”
“I don’t know. We’ve just been constantly having sex except for when we come out for meals. And we have breakfast in bed!”
“You stand to inherit all of your half-brother’s money, do you not?”
Xander found time to nod. “Since he hadn’t married Buffy yet, it comes to me. Not that that’s any motive for killing a half-brother who had all the advantages, all of the luxuries, and all of the luck. . .” Anya frowned at him. He quickly continued, “I mean almost all of the luck. I did find Anya.” She purred like a kitten. “I hardly knew him, and he was constantly lording his wealth and upbringing over me. I’m illegitimate, you know. But why would I kill him?”
“Why indeed, you poor bastard?” Kate thought. She looked over at Xander and Anya, but they had disappeared under the covers. That was her sign to take her leave. Now she had to question the American millionaire, Holland Manners, and his so-called secretary.
Meanwhile, now that the table was set for breakfast, Giles set off in search of Buffy. He found her weeping unconsolably on her bed. “Buffy, pull yourself together. We have a great deal of work to do!”
Through her tears, Buffy replied, “You’re the butler. Who are you to give me orders?”
“You are the Slayer and I am your watcher. There are vampires afoot. We must destroy them. I’m afraid it’s too late for Angel. . .”
That was definitely the wrong thing to say, as Buffy broke down sobbing again. Giles threw up his hands in disgust. I’ll get the others first, he thought.
Knocking on Willow’s door, he entered at her invitation, after she ascertained that he was not Darla, Drusilla, Harmony, Angel, or William. “So you know what’s going on?”
As she pulled petals from a daisy, mumbling, “He loves me, she loves me, he loves me, she loves me,” Willow looked up at him. “Of course I do. I’m a witch and you’re the watcher. I have to do an anti-grief spell so we can get Buffy to get her act together and join us before it’s too late. We also need Oz, Tara, and, believe it or not, Xander and Anya.”
“Then you’d better put some sort of anti-lust spell on them. What about Lindsey and Rosemary? Do we need them?”
Willow shook her head. “No, they’re not Scoobies.” Giles frowned. What were Scoobies? This American slang was really strange.
As Lilah was changing into another lovely negligee and perfuming herself, there was a knock at the bedroom door. Figuring that it had to be Holland, as their morning romp had been interrupted, she called out, “Come in.”
“Hello, Ducks.” It was Darla and Drusilla. Before she could let out a scream, they were upon her. “You’ll be our new daughter Delilah. We’ll have such fun.”
“I wonder if she wants the old guy for her new boyfriend,” Drusilla mused.
“I think she wanted the young stud who ran off with the vicar’s daughter. When she wakes up, we’ll ask her.” Darla and Drusilla picked her up and carried her off to the greenhouse to bury her.
Tara had knocked Oz out with a well-aimed frying pan, much to Harmony’s disgust.
“I needed that pan for the kidneys. Now I’ll have to wash it!” As Tara left, Harmony thought about taking Oz, but, before she could bite him, Giles and Willow came into the kitchen. She changed back into her pretty Harmony face while they brought him back to consciousness. Maybe I’d just better vamp Riley, she decided.
Kate and Gunn had looked around the house but had not found the body of Angel. In the meantime, Lord Wesley had been looking for William and had been unable to find him. Holland had gone to Lilah’s room and found her missing as well. Damn! His libido had been really aroused. He thought he might as well go browse in the library for more useful scrolls or old volumes. Somehow that wasn’t quite the same as being with Lilah, but it would have to do. And Sir Liam wouldn’t be around to fling an ax at him!
“Tara, you must join us,” Giles said. “We need your witchcraft to defeat these vampires.”
“Not if he has anything to do with this,” she retorted, pointing at Oz.
Willow stepped between the two of them. “I’ll settle this. I’ve decided I don’t want either one of you. I’ll take him. I like older men.”
Giles blushed and then took the redhead into his arms and kissed her soundly. Tara and Oz looked disgusted. Then they both said, “Oh, the hell with it,” and walked into each other’s arms and kissed. “Yuk!” They wiped off their mouths with their sleeves.
“Tara, we need two spells. We need to bring Buffy back to her senses and to get Xander and Anya to stop. . .you know.”
"Oz, see if you can find the bodies. I think there may be more than one by now.” Oz nodded to Giles and set off.
Meanwhile, Riley had responded to Kate’s call. Unfortunately he came in by way of the kitchen and Harmony had taken him. She dragged him out to the greenhouse and covered him with dirt, noticing all the bodies already there. Sir Liam, William, Lilah, and Riley. Where will we get a boyfriend for Lilah? She wondered. Just then she saw Oz peeking through the door, so she turned back into her pretty Harmony face and called to him. “Oh, Oz, help me. Look at all these bodies.”
As Oz entered the greenhouse, she vamped him, thinking, I hope Lilah likes him. If not, I’ll take him and she can have Riley. She covered him with dirt, hoping there would be no more for a while. There’s no room left in here!
Tara suddenly realized it was time to serve breakfast, so she and Giles headed for the dining room. They had to eliminate the kidneys, as for some inexplicable reason Harmony had let them burn (she loved having them quite bloody, in the British fashion). But, considering the small number of people at the table, there was more than enough food. Only Wes, Cordelia, Willow, Holland, and Buffy came down to eat. Xander and Anya got a tray in their room. Lindsey had run off with the vicar’s daughter. No one knew where Lilah was, and Oz, the footman, was not there to help serve. Being a gentleman, Wes had invited Kate and Gunn to share their breakfast. As she sat, Kate dialed up the police station on her cell phone. “Is Riley still there? What? He left half an hour ago? I wonder where he is?”
While Giles distracted Buffy by offering her orange juice, Willow sprinkled some powder on her eggs. It was the anti-grief spell that she and Tara had brewed. They had also put some anti-lust potion on the eggs on Anya and Xander’s tray. Hopefully they could get the Scoobies together soon.
After breakfast everyone retired to pursue their own interests. Cordelia headed for town to shop. After all, she’d need a black dress for the funeral. That is, if they ever found the body. She would also make it known that she might need more servants.
Holland headed for the vicar’s to fire Lindsey. However, he and Rosemary had gone into town to obtain their marriage license, so he came back to the library to continue his scroll search.
Sir Wesley sat at a table in the library, engrossed in an old volume he was translating. He didn’t even see or hear Holland, as he headed out of the library with an armful of scrolls muttering, “Wolfram & Hart will love these. I’ll be a senior partner soon.”
Finally the anti-grief spell took effect so Giles, Willow, and Tara could start to work on a plan with Buffy. “We’ll have to make sure that we get all the vampires. First we have to locate any bodies and ensure that they don’t rise. We’ll have to stake them.”
“Stake Angel? No!!!” In spite of the spell, Buffy broke down and sobbed. “I won’t do it. I won’t let you do it.”
“Buffy, he won’t be the Angel you know and love. He’ll be an evil, heartless monster. Believe me.”
“I won’t do it. Can’t you find a way to make him good? Can’t you come up with a spell to get his soul back or something?”
“Buffy, there may not be time. We can’t put all these people at risk. At this point we don’t even know how many vampires there are.”
“If you don’t start working on a spell, I won’t slay anybody. I mean it.” Buffy threw herself down on her bed. Giles looked at Willow and Tara.
“We’ll work on it right away.” Although the two were barely civil to each other, Giles thought that a challenge to their witchly powers might make them work together. He went to get Xander and Anya.
Arriving at their bedchamber, he found Xander and Anya engrossed in each other. Their breakfast trays sat untouched. Giles went down to the kitchen, filled a pitcher with ice water, returned to their room, and poured it over them. That seemed to do the trick. It took quite a while to calm them down, but finally they were able to listen to him.
“No, no, no, no, no. You will not do anything that will bring my half-brother back to life. The money is mine now.”
“You misunderstand. He’ll still be dead, but he’ll be a vampire with a soul if we can get this spell to work. And he’ll be unable to take the money.” Xander slowly nodded.
“So what do we do now?” Xander asked as he rose from the bed.
Averting his eyes, Giles answered. “Getting dressed would appear to be the first step.” Before Anya could get out of bed, Giles turned to depart. “I’ll return in fifteen minutes.”
“Does that give us time for one more?” Anya asked.
“If we’re quick about it,” Xander replied, kissing her.
Meanwhile Kate and Gunn had located Holland on his way out of the library with an armful of scrolls. “Where are you going with those?” Kate challenged.
“Just up to my room to read a while. I love these old stories.”
“Aren’t these spells for calling up demons and bringing on Armageddon?” asked Gunn.
“Just rumors. Actually they’re ancient pornography. The first one here is about Adam, Eve, and the snake. Evidently the snake. . .” Gunn looked at the first illustration and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets. “Then the snake goes to Adam and. . .”
Gunn’s eyes popped even farther out. Kate shook her head and frowned. Men.
She grabbed the scroll from Holland’s hand. “I have to review this evidence. . .Oh, my God!!! I wonder where Constable Finn is?” she asked, trying to control her wildly beating heart.
Gunn had calmed down a little, although he was still panting. “So, Mr. Manners, who are you, what do you do, and what was your business here?”
“I am an attorney in Los Angeles, and I was here to purchase some antiquities from Lord Wyndham-Pryce for my firm, Wolfram and Hart.”
“Had you settled on a fair price?”
“Actually, no. Lord Wyndham-Pryce was willing to go with my price, but his cousin was adamant that they were worth much more. We had not been able to agree.”
“And where is your ‘secretary’ (Gunn and Kate winked at each other) Lilah?”
“When I went to her room to ascertain how she was after this morning’s frightening experience, she was gone. I’m not sure where she is. I know that Lindsey is probably marrying the vicar’s daughter as we speak.”
Blushing furiously, Kate handed the scroll back to Holland. Where was Riley? She looked at Gunn. He was young and handsome. “Sergeant, let’s go examine some of the other bedrooms. Maybe we’ll find the body in one of them. There’s a lovely room on the top floor.”
Puzzled, Gunn asked, “Didn’t we already search there?” Then he looked at Kate as she slowly ran her tongue around her lips. Dumb question, he thought.
On the way upstairs he said, “We still haven’t found anyone with a decent motive to kill Sir Liam.”
“Right now, Sergeant, I don’t care.” She started opening the buttons on his shirt. He opened the buttons on her blouse and they collapsed onto the bed.
Willow and Tara had eventually found a method of returning Angel’s soul to him and were assembling all of the necessary ingredients. So Buffy allowed Giles to begin training her for the events of the coming evening. Xander and Anya were busy making stakes. Giles rang up the vicar’s house. “Rosemary, are you and Lindsey returning here at all? Doesn’t he want to pick up his things? Good. Would you please bring some holy water with you? A couple of gallons. Thank you.”
“Isn’t Rosemary Episcopal? They just have baptismal water there. Shouldn’t she go to a Catholic church for holy water?” asked Anya.
“Good point.” He dialed again. “Rosemary, would you please go by the Catholic church and get the holy water? I see. Fine. Thank you.” He turned to Anya. “Lindsey is Catholic, so they are going to stop by there to talk to the priest about a Catholic ceremony later on. They’ll bring as much water as they can. Now, does Lady Cordelia have a cell phone?”
After he had ascertained from Sir Wesley that Lady Cordelia did indeed have a cell phone, Giles dialed her. “Lady Cordelia, could you please stop by the toy store and buy some water pistols? Super soakers, if they have them? Yes, Lady Cordelia, I’ll pay you back for them. At least six. Thank you, my lady.” Giles shook his head. They’re really cheap. Maybe I’ll look elsewhere for employment. Perhaps the American millionaire Holland Manners needs a good butler.
Rosemary and Lindsey did come by carrying several gallon jugs of holy water. After they picked up Lindsey’s things, they met Holland on the way out. “I quit!” Lindsey said.
“No, you’re fired!” Holland replied.
“Great. Now I’ll get unemployment.” For the first time, he had bested Holland. He positively glowed with happiness, although he had already been glowing as a result of his and Rosemary’s marriage. The two lovers left for her father’s house to spend their wedding night. Consequently they missed all of the ensuing events. For the record, they moved to London where he joined a law firm that represented some of the top British actors, had two children, Elizabeth and Diana , and lived happily and quite uneventfully ever after.
As it grew late, everyone fortified themselves with a good lunch, as there might not be a dinner. The list of the missing grew longer and longer. Giles was beside himself with worry. “The bodies need to be buried before they can rise. Has anyone looked in the garden?” Unfortunately the grounds were quite extensive, taking them a long time to explore. They often passed by the greenhouse, not realizing that the bodies lay there.
Anya and Xander had prepared a number of stakes, and Buffy had also located two crossbows in the hallway hanging under the family coat of arms, which featured a lion rampant on a field of gold, an open scroll (the Wyndham-Pryce men tended to be scholars of the ancient and occult), and a mirror (the Wyndham-Pryce men tended to marry beautiful and quite vain women). Wiping the sweat from their brows, Tara and Willow had come up with a spell that should restore Sir Liam’s soul. They had stopped once or twice so that Tara could show Willow the softer side of. . . When Anya and Xander finished with the stakes, they loaded all the water pistols and the one super soaker that Cordelia had found, which she had insisted that Giles pay for. After all, designer clothes weren’t cheap, and she had to look good at the funeral.
Darla and Drusilla had somehow managed to escape from the house to the greenhouse unseen, where Harmony joined them. They began the ritual to raise their new vampire group. Angel arose first, of course, as he had been dead the longest. “Darla, is this a kinky new place to make love?”
“Actually it could be, Ducks. But there are other things to do first.” They raised Lilah, Riley, Oz, and William, who now insisted on being called Spike.
“Where’s Lindsey?” Lilah asked. She had hoped to find him among their new family, but she feared that Darla or Drusilla would claim him first.
“He married the vicar’s daughter and left. Would you like Holland?”
Lilah shook her head and eyed Riley. “I’ll pass for now, thanks. Hi, Salty Goodness. I’m Delilah!”
“And I’m starving,” said Oz. “It’s been a week since the last full moon. Does this mean I’ll never morph into a werewolf again.”
“Goodness, no.” Drusilla shook her head. “I just can’t imagine a werewolf vampire. That’s too gruesome for words.”
Just then Holland entered the greenhouse in search of rare plants that were mentioned in some of the scrolls he had been looking at so that he could steal them and take them back to Wolfram & Hart to use in bringing forth Armageddon. “Shall we vamp him, Ducks?” Darla asked. Lilah shook her head. “Okay, then, let’s just feed. New vampires first.” The five new vampires set upon Holland before he could let out even a whimper of protest. He was quickly drained. “Now,” said Darla, “on to the big feast.”
Xander and Anya were at watch at the rear door, or, as Anya put it, on stakeout. When they saw the eight heading for Wyndham-Pryce manor, they sounded the alarm.
Everyone stood at the ready with a squirt gun of holy water and a stake or a crossbow. Giles had the super soaker. “After all, I paid for it!” he said. Willow and Tara were ready with the spell for Angel to give him a soul for Buffy.
Suddenly Willow realized that the police were missing. “Has anyone seen Chief Locksley and Sergeant Gunn?”
“I believe they were searching the upstairs bedrooms. I’ll fetch them,” Xander offered. He ran to the top floor and found the officers of the law engaged in some very unlawful acts. “Get dressed now! The vampires are coming!”
Although neither of them believed in vampires, they realized that something was afoot, threw on their clothes, and fled the house, fortunately for them by way of the front door. They jumped into the car and headed back to the police station.
As soon as he thought they were close enough, Giles started shooting at the oncoming vampires with the super soaker. However, they weren’t, and he missed them completely. Buffy shot at Darla and missed. Then she jumped on the blonde vampire and started pulling her hair, screaming, “How dare you vamp my fiancé, you slut!”
As Wesley was about to stake Harmony, Cordelia cried, “No, don’t! Don’t you know how hard it is to find a good cook nowadays.”
“Cordelia, you hardly eat so you can keep your beautiful figure. Harmony is a lousy cook.”
“Stake her then.” So he did. Harmony fell to dust. Oz tried to scare them all by wolfing out, but the moon was only in the last quarter, so nothing happened. Giles got him with the super soaker, which slowed him down enough to let Anya stake him.
Riley Finn fell to Xander’s stake. Before he turned to dust, he looked at Buffy and sighed, “Why didn’t I meet you first, my blonde goddess?” Buffy looked a little sad but continued pummeling Darla, who gave back as good as she got.
Spike looked at the raging battle. “Dru, ducks, I always say, ‘Make love, not war.’”
Dru kissed him. “That’s why I love you so.” They headed back toward the greenhouse.
Tara and Willow were trying to maneuver their way around Sir Liam to perform the spell which would give him back his soul. “What are you two doing?” he demanded.
“We want to give you back your soul so you’ll no longer be evil,” Willow explained, as she danced her way out of his reach.
“Then you can marry Buffy and be happy,” Tara added.
“But if he has a moment of true happiness, he’ll lose his soul and become vicious again,” Willow said.
Angel stood in uffish thought (Jabberwocky was one of his favorite poems) and considered the consequences. Life with Buffy, a soul, and no sex? Unlife with Darla, no soul, and all the sex he wanted. No contest. He pulled Buffy off of Darla and threw his former fiancée against the wall. The vampires who were still left (except for Drusilla and Spike, who were in the greenhouse) headed into the house. Darla, Angel, and Delilah were about to take on the defenders when Giles yelled, “We must burn down the house.” Before Wesley or Cordelia could stop him, He threw a torch into the middle of the floor. The mansion burst into flames and everyone fled. The three vampires made it out the back door while the humans raced out the front. Everyone stood watching as Wyndham-Pryce Manor burned to the ground, except for Tara and Willow, who snuck up on Liam and managed to finish the spell. Liam screamed in pain as the soul reentered his body.
Buffy stood up, brushed herself off, and announced, “You’ll pay for choosing Darla over me, Liam. I’m going to make your life a living hell.”
“I thought you loved me, Buffy.”
“I did until you chose the blonde witch.” Buffy stalked away. Meanwhile Darla and her daughter Delilah were on the main road hitchhiking to London.
Wes and Cordelia were in tears. “All my clothes are in that house.”
“All of our money is in that house. You’re fired, Giles.”
“I was about to quit, but this way I’ll get unemployment! Willow, are you coming with me, Darling?”
“I’m sorry, Giles, but maybe Tara is right. Maybe I’m destined to be her lesbian lover. We’re going to stay here and try to get jobs teaching at Hogwarts!”
Anya and Xander were on their way to the vicar’s house. Rousing Lindsey and Rosemary from their marriage bed, Xander said, “I need you to represent me, Lindsey. I want my brother’s money as soon as possible.”
“Won’t tomorrow do? Rosemary and I are a little busy right now.”
“We have a spare bedroom. Go use it,” Rosemary said. Anya and Xander didn’t have to be asked twice.
However, when they got there, Wesley & Cordelia were sitting on the bed, weeping. “Where will we go? What will we do? We’re broke!”
“You can come to Los Angeles and work for us as our maid and butler,” Anya said. Cordelia began weeping even harder.
“Get off the bed, now, you poor relations,” Xander said. Weeping bitterly, the couple left and spent the night in the Vicar’s kitchen, where at least there was plenty to eat.
Six months later
Dear Rosemary,
I am writing to you care of your father because I don’t have your address in London.
Wesley and I are in Los Angeles working for cousin Liam again. It’s not so bad, I guess, except that we are tracking down yucky demons and often have to clean up after them. All that blood and gore!! On second thought, it is so bad!
At least it’s warm here. The city is dirty and ugly. I want to come home. I hate being poor again! And Wes and I have a ghost in our apartment, although it’s a friendly ghost named Dennis. He’s a little jealous of Wes, though.
Liam and Buffy have broken up. She’s living in Sunnydale with Giles, who says he’s her watcher. Yeah, sure. So are my rich cousin’s illegitimate half-brother and and his demon wife (he denies it, but I’m sure of it. I’ve come to know a lot about demons lately). I’ve also heard that Darla, Drusilla, and William (or Spike, as he’s now called) are in Sunnydale. Holland’s so-called secretary is here, working for a law firm called Wolf & Heart or something like that. I understand they represent vampires and were happy to have one working for them.
I heard that you and Lindsey are expecting a baby. Congratulations. Please write and let me know how things are back home. My address is at the end.
Always, Lady Cordelia (I may have lost my fortune but not my title!)
Four months after that letter
Dear Lady Cordelia,
Don’t worry, I shall always refer to you that way. I’ll always think of you that way.
I am sorry it took me so long to reply. First of all, it took Father forever to forward your letter. You know how vicars are. Occasionally he still forgets to give the sermon in church. When he forgets the benediction, the congregation has been known to shout, “Bless us already!” But I digress.
First of all, Lindsey and I are tremendously happy. We just had a beautiful little girl who looks exactly like him (well, not exactly, or she wouldn’t be a girl!). Of course we named her Elizabeth after our revered Queen. She is adorable although she has a tendency to cry a good deal. Lindsey says that’s her way of preparing to become an attorney!
We occasionally run into Willow and Tara, who are teaching at this very strange school called Hogwarts. They have amazing stories to tell, mostly about a boy named Henry Perkins or Harold Potts or something similar. We may go to see one of their matches one day, something called Quid-whatever!
You’ll never guess whom Lindsey is representing at the firm (where, by the bye, he is doing extremely well. We’re rolling in money. Oops, I don’t think you needed to hear that, did you? Sorry!). Kate Locksley & Thomas Gunn. They are really big stars now, appearing on the West End in the extremely popular production of Othello. I’ve been told it’s quite steamy! I understand they were fired after the vampire fiasco, so it’s nice to know they’ve bounced back so well.
Anyway, my lady, I must run now. My daughter is anxious to be fed, and then my husband wishes to. . .Well, I must run. Please write again, as I miss you.
Respectfully, Rosemary