Lindsey McDonald sat in his living room. He had just packed his duffel bag. All he had to do was leave the keys to the Mercedes and to the apartment on the table and take off for his truck. Was there anything else? As he sat, musing on the momentous events of the past few days, he looked at his wrist. The Rolex had to go. He neither wanted nor needed it any longer. However, he might need the money that it would bring if he sold it or pawned it, so he started to take it off. Then he remembered his fleur de lys bracelet. He hadn't taken it off in nearly a year, not since he had lost his right hand. Kerry had given it to him a long time ago. Kerry. . .

"Lindsey, I'm back," Ed Scott, his roommate, called as he entered the small suite of rooms the two of them shared in the fraternity house. Ed had claimed it for them because they had by far the highest grade point averages and had, almost singlehandedly, kept the fraternity off academic probation. Usually it would go to the president and the social director, but Ed insisted that they had earned it. When Ed set his mind to something, he usually got it.

"So how was vacation? Where did you go this year?" Lindsey came out of his bedroom into their common living area. "Where's your tan?"

"No beach this year, Linds. We went to Paris and Copenhagen, and it rained just about every day we were there." Ed's family was quite wealthy, so Ed did not have to work over vacation as Lindsey did. Lindsey had house-sat the fraternity house over the summer while working for Professor Johnson, who was preparing his new textbook for publishing. "Has Cathy come back yet?"

"I'm sure her parents will keep her away from the ‘poor kid' as long as they can. She has to be back soon to plan for sorority rush, though. By the way, I've got the list of things we need for rush week all ready. Now I just need to get a check from Randy and do the shopping. Do you want to go to the bookstore today?"

"Sure. Let's do it before it gets crowded." The two friends set off for the UCLA book center.

Arriving at the bookstore, they separated because their majors were worlds apart and they took none of the same classes. Ed was following his brother Christian into pre-med with hopes of following him into Harvard Medical School while Lindsey was an accounting and finance major planning to go to Hastings Law. The business degree would be a good fall-back if he couldn't raise the money for Law School right away.

"Let's see. Where is that book I need for the Lit and Other Arts course? Wouldn't you know it would be on the top shelf," Lindsey muttered to himself. He hated being short. "I've almost got it." But instead of reaching it, he found himself pushing it farther back on the shelf.

"Need some help?" A tall young man with blond hair, dark brown eyes, and the face of an angel reached for the book and handed it to him. "I guess you're in my class. It sounded really great."

"I needed a literature elective, and it did sound really interesting. Thanks for the help. I'm Lindsey McDonald."

"Kerry O'Malley." Kerry held out his hand and Lindsey shook it.

Before either of them could say another word, a gorgeous redhead swooped down on them. "Kerry, I'm waiting." She grabbed his arm and led him off.

"See you in class," Kerry said over his shoulder.

Lindsey took his books to the register and paid for them. Damn! Each year they got more expensive. In the next line he saw Kerry and the redhead paying for their books with gold cards. I'm just going to have to find a way to earn a little more money, Lindsey thought.

Cathy did get in that night and came straight to Lindsey's room. "I've missed you, darling," she said as she kissed him while unbuttoning his shirt. "God, I've missed you," she continued while her hands opened his belt and unzipped his jeans. Before he knew it, he was naked and lying on the bed. Peeling off her sundress, Cathy kicked off her sandals and pulled down her panties and was on top of him. Cathy was an avid lover, although her unwillingness to try anything new or different really bothered Lindsey. He had been only her second lover, and she was not into anything she considered at all kinky. And that included things that most people considered quite normal.

After they had both become aroused, Lindsey gently turned her over onto her back and started kissing her down her stomach, running his tongue around her navel. Then he started moving farther down. "No, Lindsey, don't."

"Why not? You'd enjoy it."

"No, that's disgusting. I can't believe you would even want to do such a thing. Suppose it was ‘that time of the month?' And then you'd want me to do it for you, and I can't imagine doing that in a million years. Isn't making love good enough? We can do it again, as many times as you'd like."

"Well, if you put it that way. . ." He slid up and started nuzzling her neck.

After Cathy had left and gone back to her sorority house, Lindsey came out to get a cup of coffee. "So what's wrong?" Ed asked, seeing the frown on his roommate's face.

"Cathy is so rigid. She has these ideas about what's right and what's wrong and won't budge an inch. If she'd even be willing to give something a try and then, if she didn't like it, we wouldn't do it again. I guess that's too much to ask."

"Hey, Lindsey, she's beautiful, she's rich, she's smart, and she's willing to jump in the sack with you at the drop of a hat. Don't knock it." Although he had a pleasant face, no one would ever call Ed handsome, and he hadn't done much dating.

The next few days were very busy ones as the whole fraternity prepared for rush. Lindsey got some work at the bookstore during the really busy time before classes started and made some pretty good money, which he was saving for the next year. At least the baseball scholarship paid his tuition, room, and board. He wouldn't have that in law school.

Classes started and things were back to normal. Lindsey was looking forward to the lit class, which he thought would be his fun class of the semester. Professor Collins was said to be a really interesting teacher. It turned out to be a small class of only about 20 students. He took a seat in the front row and Kerry, who came in a minute later, took the seat next to him. "Where's the redhead?"

"Alice? She thought this class sounded boring. She's taking children's lit, so she'll know what our kids should read. When we have them, that is."

"The girl obviously plans ahead." Lindsey smiled, but Kerry made a wry face.

"My parents adore her. I know they expect me to give her an engagement ring soon. They'll probably give me the money to buy her one when I go home for Thanksgiving."

Is everybody here rich but me? Lindsey wondered. Just then Professor Collins entered and started the class. It turned out to be fascinating. The first topic was The Creation, and they were assigned to read the book of Genesis and listen to Haydn's The Creation, which they could do on-line. "I'll have the photographs of the Sistine Chapel ceiling at the next class. I do expect a lot of discussion in this class, and there will be a project as well as a mid-term, quizzes at the end of each unit, and the final. But this class will be fun, trust me."

"Want to get some coffee?" Kerry asked.

Lindsey was tempted, but, as one of the conditions of his baseball scholarship was that he stay in shape, he shook his head. "I have to hit the weight room. I'm supposed to go there three times a week in the off-season."

"I'd come with you, but I only have an hour until my next class. Maybe I'll come with you next time when I have a longer break."

"See you, then." Lindsey set off to exercise. Then, armed with a blank check from the fraternity, he and Ed did the shopping for Saturday's rush party.

Cathy arrived at the house Saturday afternoon as soon as her sorority rush party was over. She was one of the most active of the Beta girls and a great asset to them in drawing great freshmen to pledge. Naturally she wore her sorority pin and Lindsey's fraternity pin, as if to say, "See, freshmen, you can get a girl like me if you pledge here." It worked the same way at sorority rush: "I got myself a Beta and you can, too!" She arranged trays of snacks and helped Lindsey set up the bar, which, during rush, could only serve soft drinks, coffee, and tea. They were all set up with half an hour to spare before the freshmen started coming. "Let's make good use of this time, Lindsey," she said, leading him upstairs.

The party went quite well. Occasionally guys from other houses would drop in for a minute just to scout out how the Betas were doing. Lindsey looked up from pouring what had to be the 300th Coke of the night to see Kerry and Alice. Alice wore her sorority pin, a different one from Cathy's, and Kerry's Sigma pin. "So how's it going, Lindsey?"

"We seem to be going after looks, money, and muscles, as usual. Brains don't matter. What I've seen so far wouldn't fill a breadbox! It's a wonder Ed & I got in here at all. Ed's brother and father were Betas, so they had to take him. I guess I got in on my athletic ability. How about the Sigmas?"

"Same old, same old. I'll be glad when it's over. I know they will be," he said, nodding at a group of freshmen.

Just then Cathy, who had been working a group of freshmen with her usual aplomb, came over to the group. "Hello, Alice. Good to see you." Alice had beaten her out for Queen of the Panhellenic Ball, and Cathy hadn't forgotten.

"Cathy!" Alice gave her an air kiss. "You look so nice. I've always loved that dress on you."

Cathy's eyes narrowed. "And your hair is just great. Such a classic style."

Lindsey and Kerry looked at each other. "They've just insulted each other, haven't they?" Lindsey whispered, leaning over the bar close to Kerry's ear. "I don't speak ‘girl' very well."

Kerry whispered back, "Alice called Cathy's dress an old rag, and Cathy said Alice's hairdo was out of date."

"Meow!" Lindsey whispered, and they both stifled a laugh.

Alice transferred her narrow-eyed look from Cathy to her boyfriend. "We'd better get back to Sigma, Kerry. I'm sure they need us there."

"Please come back again, Alice." Cathy smiled the poisonous smile that Lindsey had seen rare glimpses of. What is it with these girls anyway?

The parties went well, and both Cathy's sorority and Lindsey's fraternity were happy with their pledge classes. Lindsey and Ed insisted on pledging a couple of guys who weren't quite as cool but seemed to be serious students. "How else will the house stay off academic probation when we graduate?"

Lindsey looked forward to Lit & Arts class. He and Kerry were active participants in the discussions and seemed to think along the same lines which, given their differing backgrounds, was quite surprising. After their Tuesday class, Kerry talked Lindsey into going for coffee. "Do you have to do weights or can you use some other form of exercise?"

"I guess I could. What did you have in mind?"

"How about tennis? That's how I get my exercise. I play tennis and golf."

"Those are what we used to call the ‘rich men's games' where I grew up. Especially golf. I know how expensive that is. I used to caddy at a country club."

"Tennis isn't expensive once you have a racquet and shoes, unless you take lessons. Have you ever played?"

"No, but I'd like to try it. I'd like to play golf, as I understand it's pretty important in business, but I can't afford it."

"We'll play tennis then. How about Saturday morning? I'll bring you my extra racquet."

"I guess mixed doubles with Alice and Cathy is out of the question," Lindsey said. Kerry laughed.

Lindsey took to tennis very well, being a natural athlete. It was primarily due to Kerry's knowledge of the game and well-developed technique from years of lessons that he won. "I'd like a rematch next week," Lindsey said. "I think with some practice I can kick your butt, buddy."

"You probably could. You're faster than I am and you think on your feet better than I do. What you need is a little work on your backhand and getting the feel of the court. Does you roommate play tennis?"

"Ed? Yes, he does. Are you thinking doubles?"

"Yes, I think that you'd enjoy that. My friend Rob would probably play. Now why don't we get some lunch?"

Lindsey mentally added up the cash he had on him. "I really need to study."

"And you need to eat. I know what you're thinking. Lunch is on me. There's a place I enjoy that Alice doesn't like. Have you been to Maury's? They make the best burgers, but Alice thinks it's too dark and dreary."

"No, but I've wanted to try it. Let's get showered and go."

Maury's was indeed dark but not the least bit dreary. Lindsey could understand why Alice didn't like it, though. It was definitely a guy place. Maybe more of a guy place than Kerry realized. The burgers were great, though. They each had one of Maury's microbrews and some of his shoestring fries with their burgers. A couple of other guys looked their way and then, figuring they were together, decided not to bother them.

"You know another reason Alice doesn't want to come here? I think it's a gay hangout."

Kerry looked incredulous. "You're kidding, right?"

"Do you see any women in here at all? I don't." Lindsey took another bite of his burger. It was really excellent, cooked just the way he liked it. "I don't think I'll come back here again."

"Too bad. This food is really good." Kerry took a fry, dipped it in ketchup, and put it into his mouth. "Lindsey, if I'm out of line, tell me. You're poor, right?"

"Dirt poor. I'm on a full scholarship, and I work for everything else I get. I earned my fraternity dues by tending bar, house-sitting during the holidays, and purchasing food, supplies, etc. I don't go back home any more because I have nothing to go back to. My mom died a long time ago and my dad is a drunk. He's not a bad drunk as far as being violent, just in terms of drinking all our money away and losing every job he's had for years."

"It must be rough on you. You've basically been on your own a long time then?"

"Yeah. Sometimes I envy guys like you that don't have to worry about money. But I've heard that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So I'm hoping that going through all of this will make me tougher and a survivor. Also I think I'll be more likely to appreciate what I get."

"In a way I envy you." He noticed the incredulous look on Lindsey's face. "Sometimes it's hard to motivate myself. I never had to work for anything; everything came very easily to me. I made top grades without having to study hard. I didn't have to do anything to make friends because they just flocked around. Nothing really mattered all that much because I didn't have to struggle to get it. Now I have to force myself to study. You've been used to struggling for everything you have."

"And I used to really envy guys like you. Then I saw that maybe, just maybe, I could beat them out because I was ‘hungrier' than they were. It worked on the baseball field. Most of the other guys were just doing it for fun. I was out for a scholarship, and Tony, my best friend and second baseman, wanted to be a pro. That's why we both made all-state."

"Did Tony make it into the pros?" Kerry ate his last fry and gestured to the waiter for another round of beers, but Lindsey shook his head and reinforced it by holding his hand over his glass.

"None for me, I have to study. No, he didn't. He's dead. My sister married him and died giving birth to their daughter, who was stillborn. Tony died in an auto accident about a week later. I think he was too grief-stricken to drive and he crashed because he was crying. If he and Elaine had lived, he'd have made the pros. He really was fantastic."

Kerry put his hand on top of Lindsey's. "I'm really sorry." Lindsey noticed the waiter looking at them and drew his hand away.

"Thanks. I appreciate it. I appreciate the meal, too, but I do have to get back to the books soon. I'm taking the LSAT and I want to look at the prep book."

"Okay, just let me finish this & we'll go." He paid with his gold card and left a generous tip. "Thanks for having lunch with me."

Over the course of the semester, Kerry and Lindsey spent quite a bit of time together. There was a group project due for Lit & Arts, and they worked on it together, along with a music major named Dorothy and her boyfriend Hal. Their topic was Music and Magic, and they included a song which Dorothy wrote and she and Lindsey sang, along with some excellent artwork by Kerry. Professor Collins was extremely impressed and gave the project an A+, pronouncing it the best in the class.

One night in Lindsey's room, after making love, Cathy got up on one elbow and looked down at Lindsey. "Isn't it about time we started thinking about getting engaged?"

Taken totally aback, Lindsey thought quickly, "As if I could afford to give you a ring that didn't come from a dime store."

"We could go pick one out and put it on layaway. I'll help you pay for it."

"What would your parents say? They hate me."

"They don't hate you personally. They hate the idea of you. They don't even know you, so how can they hate you?"

"Do you mean to know me is to hate me?" Lindsey desperately tried to get off the subject of marriage.

"Maybe you can get me pregnant around the end of school and they'll have to let me marry you."

Lindsey sat up. "No! First of all, they'd hate me even more and call me an opportunist. Secondly, I can't cope with an infant while I'm in law school. And it's not fair to you. You need to be your own person before you're a mother."

"I already am my own person. I came to college to find an educated husband. I don't want to have a career. I want to be married and belong to the country club and travel and have fun. I don't need that nine to five garbage!"

Before Lindsey could answer that, the phone rang. It was for Cathy. "Yes! Yes? You're kidding, right? Okay, I'll be there in about ten minutes." She jumped out of bed & started pulling on her clothes. "I have to go. There's an emergency sorority meeting followed by a Panhellenic Council meeting. Evidently a freshman girl tried to kill herself because she hadn't been pledged. She got more & more depressed and tried to slash her wrists. She left a note blaming it on our house and several others. They say she'll be all right, but her parents may sue. I think we could be in for some big trouble. I may not see you for a few days until all this blows over or is resolved." She kissed Lindsey. "Think about what we've been discussing."

As if I could think about anything else, Lindsey sighed to himself. He went out into the living room, but Ed was gone. He would be taking the MSAT to get into Harvard Med, and he had gone to study in the library. I need to talk to someone, Lindsey thought. Just then the phone rang. "Hello. Kerry? Yes, I heard all about it. Cathy was here when they called. She just left. Yes, I'd like to meet you for coffee. See you there."

When he arrived at the Union, Kerry looked about the way he felt, down in the dumps. "What's wrong, buddy?"

"Lindsey, my friend, I'd like to go out and get drunk. You game?"

"Not really. My father was a drunk, so I don't see that as a method of solving problems. Also I avoid it in case I'm genetically inclined toward alcoholism."

"Well, come, watch me drink, give me a shoulder to cry on, and see that I get home safely, okay?"

"What are friends for?" So they headed for a campus hangout. After showing their ID's to prove they were both 21, they sat down in a booth. Lindsey had a beer, which he planed to nurse all evening, and Kerry had a double Scotch, no rocks.

"I don't know what I'm going to do, Lindsey. Dad gave me a gold card to buy Alice a ring. I don't want to marry Alice."

"Evidently your parents like her."

"They think she's the greatest thing since sliced bread. She comes from a very rich, very social family. And her family just loves me. I think they know that Alice has no ambition other than to be a married woman, so they know I'm an honest guy who'd be a good husband to her."

"So why don't you want to marry Alice?"

"First of all, I don't love her. I realize that now. Secondly, she's like a steam roller. She'd make my life a living hell if I didn't do everything she wanted. And thirdly I'm only 22. I'm too young to be a husband. Even if I wanted to be with her, which I don't, I don't want the responsibility of marriage yet."

"And you can't tell your family that?"

"No, they really love the idea of my marrying somebody in the social register. Dad has money, but he earned it all himself; he didn't inherit a penny. He thinks people think of him as ‘nouveau riche.' Mom's even worse about it. She has visions of herself on the society page."

"Occasionally I'm glad I'm on my own."

"Yes, but I can't see you marrying Cathy either, and I'll bet she's starting to put on the pressure, too."

"How did you guess? We were on that subject when the phone call came about the emergency sorority meeting. I was trying unsuccessfully to change the subject."

"I don't know what to do. Tell me." Kerry signaled the waiter for another Scotch. Lindsey put his hand over his glass.

"One, you could make her break up with you. If she thinks it's her idea, she saves face."

"Tough to do. She's got our kids' names picked out. I think I could have sex with half her sorority on the floor in front of her and she would forgive me."

"Two, put off the wedding for a while. Maybe she'll change her mind. Or take a job somewhere that she doesn't want to go. Get your masters."

"I'm not the student you are. I really don't want to go to school any more, and my dad is expecting me to work for him. I'm trapped."

"I guess telling the truth to one of them isn't an option?"

Kerry sadly shook his head. For a while they sat in silence as Kerry continued to drink. After a while Lindsey said, "We'd better go. I hope you can pay for this, because I can't." Kerry took out his wallet and handed it to Lindsey, who put the appropriate amount of money on the table. Then he pulled Kerry up, put the wallet back in his pocket, threw Kerry's arm over his shoulder, and walked him to his fraternity house.

When they arrived at the house, Kerry put his arms around Lindsey and kissed him. "I knew you'd help me. I love you, Lindsey."

Blushing, Lindsey replied, "Yeah, yeah, Kerry. I love you too." He walked him up the steps and rang the doorbell. When the pledge whose job it was to answer the door opened it, Lindsey pushed Kerry inside gently. "He needs to sleep it off. Take him to his room, please." Then Lindsey headed for his room. He wanted to talk to Ed, but his roommate was asleep. The MSAT took a lot out of him.

Lindsey didn't see too much of Kerry the next couple of weeks, as he was very busy with his classes and with a job. Any time he had left was shared with Cathy and with the weight room. But he did run into Alice in the Union.

"Lindsey, isn't it? Kerry's friend from the Beta house? Look!" She held up her hand and a gorgeous diamond ring sparkled on her finger. "Didn't he tell you? He just gave it to me after the Thanksgiving break." She waved it around letting it catch the light and send rainbows flashing around.

"That's great, Alice. Best wishes to you."

"So when are you giving Cathy a ring?"

"When I can afford to pay for it all by myself." And that'll probably be the twelfth of never, he thought. Maybe by then she'll forget about marrying me.

However, she hadn't. The next time he saw her, she had seen Alice and, more importantly, Alice's ring. "Lindsey, I'll pay for the ring. And I'll get Daddy to pay for your law school. I may be able to get him to look more favorably on you. Believe me, I'm trying."

"No! I won't have any woman pay for her own engagement ring. And I can't give you a ring you'd be proud to wear at this stage of my life. You'll have to wait."

"All right. You can buy me an engagement ring later, maybe for an anniversary. But let's set a date."

"Your parents will love that, Cathy!" I can't marry her. Not now, now ever. I know I don't really love her. It would be so easy if I did, too.

Cathy's parents refused to invite Lindsey to spend any of the Christmas holidays with them. Ed came through with an invitation for Christmas week. He would have invited Lindsey for the whole break, but, as part of Lindsey's responsibility was house-sitting, he only planned to go from Christmas Eve until January 2.

Kerry called him the night before he was to leave for home. "Come on over, Lindsey. I want to give you your Christmas present."

"Kerry, I'm sorry. I don't have one for you. I just had enough money to buy something for Cathy. I didn't even buy Ed a gift, but fortunately he doesn't expect one."

"I don't have to have anything in return. I just bought you something as a token of our friendship. Come on over." So Lindsey went to the Sigma house. Ed appeared to have been one of the last to leave. He ushered Lindsey up to his room.

"I've finally realized how to get Alice to break up with me. I'll tell her the truth."

"That you don't love her? Good."

"That I don't love her because I love somebody else."

"You've found another girl? I'd be careful. That could be a rebound type of thing."

"Lindsey, are you blind? It's not another girl. I'm in love with you."

"Me? You're kidding, right?" Lindsey swallowed hard. "I guess telling her that you love a guy would be about the only thing that could turn her off. It'd work with Cathy, I'm sure. But you don't really want to do that."

"No, it's true. I love you. Haven't you felt it?" He moved over close to Lindsey and put his arm around his shoulder. Then he drew Lindsey close and kissed him gently on the lips. Lindsey was shocked to feel himself responding a little. He pulled back, but Kerry pulled him close again and kissed him with more passion, inserting his tongue between Lindsey's lips. "I want to make love to you, and I know you want me to."

Lindsey broke away. "No, you're wrong. I like you very much. You and Ed are my best friends, but I don't want you physically."

"Lindsey, you're lying. I know that. I felt you trembling. You want me as much as I want you."

"No, I don't."

"I can see in your face when you're lying. That's why you realized you don't love Cathy. Be honest."

"I can't do it."

"You mean you won't. You've opened the door, Lindsey. Come through it with me."

"What would you tell your father? How would he like it when you say, ‘I've broken up with Alice. This is my boyfriend Lindsey.' And your mom. How would she take it?"

"I know they want me to be happy."

"Yes, with a girl. They want grandchildren. If I did go with you, we could never make our relationship legal. There could never be kids. I couldn't even come out in the open with it. Law firms are conservative. No, Kerry, I won't go there."

Kerry took Lindsey's hand and placed it on his heart and then kissed it. "Lindsey, it would be so beautiful. You know it would." He looked at Lindsey through those long, long eyelashes of his. Lindsey could feel his heart beating faster. But he shook it off.

"No, I won't go there. Even if we did it just tonight, just once, everything would change. I'd be something I'm not, something I never want to be. I can't go there."

"You won't, you mean. You're a coward."

"Maybe so. But I don't want that, and I never will. I have to go now, Kerry. I hope you break up with Alice, but for your own sake, not mine." He started toward the door.

"Wait. I said I have a present for you. It's engraved, so I can't return it." He held out a box labeled Tiffany.

Lindsey took the box and opened it. Inside was a bracelet made of linked fleur de lys. Inside it said, "From Kerry to Lindsey, Christmas, 1990. I love you." He shook his head. "Kerry. . ."

Kerry took it from him and fastened it around his wrist. "I want you to have it to remember me. It's your last chance. It will be beautiful, I promise you. I'll make love to you the way no one ever has before. I'll make you feel truly loved."

"I'm sorry. I can't go through that door. Goodbye, Kerry, and thank you for everything."

Kerry pulled him close and gave him one last deep kiss. Lindsey knew Kerry could feel his body responding, but he pretended he couldn't. He turned and left. When he got outside, he sat on a bench at the bus stop and wept. "I do love you, Kerry, but I won't do it. Not for you, for anyone, not ever. I can't and I won't."

Christmas was very quiet for Lindsey. Finally Ed got him to open up and tell him what happened. "I think you probably did the right thing, Lindsey. He probably just had a crush on you as a reaction to the situation with Alice. Maybe he was right and she wouldn't accept his having a relationship with another man. You're better off."

When Lindsey returned to the fraternity house, there was a letter waiting for him. It was short. "Please try to forgive me. I couldn't go through with it. There was no other way out. I love you. Kerry."

Lindsey's heart stopped for a minute. Then he ran upstairs and checked the phone. No messages. He turned on his computer and went to his email. Nothing. Then he pulled up the Atlanta Constitution and found the article. Kerry had died in an automobile accident early New Year's morning. He had been drinking heavily and had gone over an embankment. The funeral would be January 4. Lindsey sat on his bed and sobbed uncontrollably. Then he did something he hadn't done since his friend Tony died. He went to the nearby Catholic Church, lit some candles, and prayed for Kerry's soul.

When Cathy came back to school, he broke up with her. "I'm sorry, Cathy. I don't love you. I don't know why. You're beautiful and smart and everything a man would want, but I don't love you. Forgive me."

She took off his fraternity pin and threw it in his face. Then she left.

Three years later, Lindsey sat across the breakfast table from Andrea Rosen, his fellow law student that he had been living with for the last year. He looked at her and smiled. I don't think I'll ever get tired of looking at her. She's everything I've ever wanted in a woman. "Andi, let's start thinking about getting married."

"Come on, Lindsey. I don't want to talk about that."

"Why not? You know I love you, and we enjoy being together. We're totally compatible in bed. We've got everything going for us. I think we'd be very happy together." He leaned over and took her hand. "I've been saving up for a down payment on a ring. We can go pick it out any day you want."

There were tears in her eyes. "I can't marry you, Lindsey. I thought you knew that. My parents would be heartbroken. I have to marry a Jewish man."

"Andi, you don't practice your religion, and I don't practice mine any more. What's the problem? It would be hypocrisy to let that come between us."

"As I said, it would break my parents' hearts. They are quite conservative. Their parents were in a concentration camp, and they had a lot of family that suffered and died because they were Jewish. I love them too much to hurt them."

"You could still be Jewish and raise the kids Jewish. That's not a problem."

"It would be to them. When I go back to Washington, I'm going start practicing again. And besides, we'd be on different coasts. It wouldn't work."

"I thought you loved me, Andi." Lindsey felt cold even though it was a warm day.

"You know I do. I always will. But I can't marry you. I didn't even know you were thinking of marriage. You never said anything before."

"I just thought it was understood. I want to have you with me for the rest of my life. Please reconsider."

"I can't. Maybe it would be easier if I found my own place when I came back from the semester break."

He stood and took her in his arms. "No, don't. I'll just get used to the thought of being without you. It'll be hell, but I can do it. Let's enjoy our last few months together." Lindsey held back the tears until she had gone to class. Damn it! He loved her so much. Maybe he could convince her to change his mind.

Although Lindsey saw a rabbi and took instruction in the Jewish faith, it wasn't enough. And, although he hadn't practiced his Catholicism for years, he knew that he couldn't convert. So at graduation they broke up. She went to Washington where she had a Supreme Court clerkship waiting, and he went on to Wolfram & Hart.

The next few years no one of any importance came into Lindsey's life, although he didn't lack for female companionship due to Russell Winters. The young would-be actresses were perfectly happy to spend the night with Winters' attorney, especially as he was so young and attractive. But none of them made any real impression on him.

Then, as he sat in a meeting in Russell Winters' office, Angel burst into the meeting. Lindsey's eyes met his and electricity passed between them. No! Lindsey thought. He used arrogance as his weapon of choice, flashing a challenge at Angel as he gave him his business card. Angel tossed righteous indignation right back at him. He had felt it, too. I never wanted to go near that door again, let alone open it, Lindsey thought. I'll never do that. I won't allow myself to care about a man again.

But the attraction persisted, even though both of them masked it with hatred. Angel delighted in foiling Lindsey's plans, and Lindsey retaliated by trying to have Angel assassinated. Finally Angel snuck into his office. He hadn't expected Lindsey to be there, but Lindsey came in. Nothing had changed. The attraction was there, no matter how much they tried to hide it. Their flirtation was cloaked in banter and challenge, but it was a flirtation, no matter how you looked at it.

"Good to see you again, Lindsey." He gave Lindsey a look to let him know just how good it was to see him. Threats, thinly veiled, were exchanged. Security arrived but was quickly dispatched by Angel, as Lindsey somehow knew it would be. Then, "We'll do this again real soon."

Count on it, Lindsey thought. Then, as Angel was walking out: "You know, just when I think I got you figured out, you show up in a suit." Lindsey smiled to himself.

Lindsey was right; he did see Angel again, sooner than he thought. He found himself standing in front of Angel's desk saying, "I need your help. I want out."

That evening, before he was about to risk his life to get Angel into Wolfram & Hart to retrieve the information to rescue the three children, Lindsey felt a desire to be held, comforted, and protected. He'd never felt that particular need before. If Angel would have opened the door, he knew he'd have gone through. But Angel didn't, so he went home to his lonely bed and spent the night unable to sleep, worrying about what would happen the next day.

After the children were rescued, there was no sign of approval, of friendship, no offer of help. He had expected something, but he got nothing. Holland, however, offered Lindsey a thundering raise and ungodly benefits. What's Angel to me anyway? He had used me, risking my life, and then tossed me aside. Thank goodness nothing had happened between us. Forget those dark brown eyes that could see into my soul. The hell with Angel! Lindsey sat at his new desk and looked out the window over the city—his city!

But then, not much later, he faced Angel again, across the crypt, holding a cross to fend him off.

"Lindsey, give me the scroll."

"That's not gonna happen. It belongs to us."

"Us. You put your faith in Wolfram and Hart."

"You said I had to make a choice." Did you give me a choice, Angel? Did you offer me anything? "I had a crisis - and I want to thank you for your help with that - but I see things more clearly now."

"You see what I'm gonna do to you if you don't give me that scroll?"

Lindsey held the scroll into the flames burning in the urn beside him and Angel threw the scythe, cutting off Lindsey's hand at the wrist.

Lindsey dropped to the ground, cradling his bleeding stump against his chest, as Angel retrieves the scroll from the floor beside him. He tried to suppress his screams as Angel walked out.

From then on Angel was more than a nuisance to Lindsey; he was an obsession. Lindsey reacted very badly to the loss of his hand at first. He let his hair grow too long and stopped wearing his Rolex. What was time to him? He found the bracelet in his top drawer and had his secretary fasten it on his wrist for him, as he was unable to do it himself. I miss you, Kerry, he thought.

Then he began to take care of Darla, who was helpless when they brought her back to life. Even though he fell in love with her, she realized that there was someone else. When Darla said, "I can feel him," Lindsey replied, "Angel." The look on his face when he said that gave Darla the knowledge that there was something more than the loss of a hand between them. Later, when he finally yielded to the urge to kiss her, she said, "It's not me you want to screw. It's him."

Angel appeared to be equally obsessed with Lindsey. Every chance he got, he treated Lindsey rough. He garotted him in the parking garage and strangled him in his own apartment. In the motel room, as Drusilla was making Darla a vampire again, Lindsey grabbed Angel, weakened by taser fire, by the hair. "How did you think this would end?" Both of them began to realize that hate wasn't the opposite of love; indifference was. And neither of them was ever indifferent to the other.

Finally, it came to a head the night that Lindsey came home and discovered that, not only had Darla sneaked into the review at Wolfram & Hart, she had spent the night with Angel. And Angel had done something to her that had broken her spirit. In the back of the closet he found his old cowboy boots, a remnant of the Lindsey that had come to college and somehow been lost in the new Lindsey. He tried to run Angel down in his old beat-up truck and then took after him with a sledge hammer. But, as he turned to get the stake he had waiting, Angel came after him. Angel: "I'm sorry Lindsey." Angel hit Lindsey with a hard right, and the sledge and stake went flying. "I really am. I'm sorry she'll never love you. I'm sorry you're gonna have to live with that." Angel hit him again and again. "I'm sorry I didn't try harder to help you when you came to me. I'm sorry you made the wrong choice." He hit him with a right hook, dropping Lindsey to the ground. Lindsey reached for the stake, but Angel picked up the sledge and brought it down in an overhead arc, smashing Lindsey's plastic hand to pieces.

As Lindsey stared aghast at his shattered hand, he looked up at Angel, who dropped
the sledge: "Could have been the other one. Just be glad I had an epiphany." He paused and looked at Lindsey. "May I borrow your truck?" He drove off. Later Lindsey found the truck in front of his apartment building with a handprinted note on the spiderwebbed windshield that said, "Thank you."

That evening was the beginning of Lindsey's epiphany. It continued when, his hand having been restored, he sang for the first time in over a year at Caritas and was told by the host that he and Angel would be working together on the problem of his evil hand. No way, he thought. Never, never, never. But then he was with Angel, in the Body Farm, staring at the remains of an old friend from his mail room days, being kept alive in a tank so that Lindsey could have his hand and some other associate or major client at Wolfram & Hart could have another part of him. "I'm sorry," he whispered, as he did what Brad asked and turned off his life support. Then he and Angel rescued the few who were still in one piece and destroyed the place.

Afterwards, when they had taken the survivors to a hospital, Angel was driving Lindsey to his car. Lindsey was almost in a stupor from the horror of it all. How could he ever have thought things like this happened? And he had been a part of it. "I swear I didn't know any of this, Angel."

"Where did you think your hand came from, Lindsey?"

"The same place that doctors get hearts and livers and corneas to transplant. I thought it came from a corpse. I even thought they might have kept my hand frozen and finally reattached it. I never dreamed that this went on—never!"

Angel realized Lindsey was telling the truth. "So now what?"

"Tomorrow I'm going back for the last time."

"You've said that before."

"I hadn't seen this place before. I'm getting out, with it or on it."

"What does that mean?"

"You should have paid more attention in school when you were a kid, Angel. Even back then you would probably have heard this. That's what a Spartan woman would say to her husband, her son, or her brother when he went off to battle. Come back with your shield, in victory, or on it, dead."

"I'm betting that you'll come back with it." He looked at Lindsey, who appeared to be fighting back tears. "Would you like some company tonight?"

In Lindsey's mind a door swung open and invited him inside. He looked through it at the landscape on the other side. What did he want? He looked at Angel, his piercing brown eyes now with a touch of gentleness in them. Angel was strong; he'd hold him and, for tonight at least, make everything go away. It would never happen again, and they would never refer to it again, but, if he wanted it, tonight was theirs. He turned to Angel. . .

And saw on his left wrist the bracelet that Kerry had given him. Kerry! He had loved Kerry, but he had not allowed Kerry to become his lover. And Kerry had died, at least partly due to him. The guilt he felt had gone away as he had come to realize that Kerry had taken the coward's way out. But he would always remember him. He didn't love Angel, and Angel certainly didn't love him. If he wouldn't do it with Kerry, he wouldn't do it with Angel.

"Thanks, but I think I'd rather be alone. I have a lot to think about." In his mind the door slammed shut. He knew it would never open again. And that was fine with him. Someday, somewhere, he'd find someone. Right now he wasn't fit to love anyone, and he didn't deserve to be loved. But it would happen.

"Are you sure? You seem to be pretty shaken up."

"I'm okay, thanks. Here's my car." Here's their car, he thought. I'll be giving it back tomorrow along with all my other perks. Let them have it. Maybe I'll get my soul back.

"Good night, Angel." He got out of the convertible, got into the Mercedes, and drove back to the place he'd call home for one more night.

Angel shook his head. I'll never understand him, he thought. Never.

As Lindsey drove home, he thought about the trip he'd be making. There would be two stops after a brief trip to Oklahoma. He'd go to Atlanta, find Kerry's grave, and at the very least put some flowers on it. He owed him that much at least. Then he'd go to Washington and look up Andrea. Maybe she was still alone, too. You never know.