Steamrolling: A Beginner's Guide

Steamrolling
A brief overview

Steamrolling can be an exciting activity for you and your friends, however before attemping this sleepover ritual, it is best to familiarize yourself with the techniques and safety risks of the act.

Safety First!
Every year in the US alone steamrolling accounts for hundreds of fatalities and millions of annoyings. However, if everyone followed these few simple safety rules, these numbers could be drastically reduced.

Never steamroll a pregnant woman
Avoid steamrolling near open flames
Listening to emotional music before steamrolling may result in impaired judgement

Steamroller Delivery
While a Steamroller may seem like a complicated manuever, it is much simpler than you would imagine. Unfortunately many are intimitated by it's seeming complexity and never attempt it. The process can be partitioned into four easy to remember steps.

	#1. Select a target Anyone sleeping is a potential target for a steamrolling. If you are planning to strike a homosexual target, reconsider immediately. While there is no "perfect" target, the best usually are those too drunk to retaliate. If someone asked earlier that you not steamroll them, it means they secretly hope for it. Since you will almost certainly be steamrolled in return it is absolutely essential that you never steamroll a fat kid.
	#2. Proclaim Your Intention To Steamroll For maximum effect, scream "steamroller" before begining the process. If people happen to be sleeping in a nearby room, increase the volume significantly. If anyone in the house is left sleeping after a steamroll, you have failed.
	#3. Drop onto target A common mistake made by those new to steamrolling is to fall too forcefully onto the target. The objective at this phase is not to cause any bodily damage, but provide an initial waking up disorienting "shock", pacifying them for the next phase. The acceleration due to gravity should be sufficient for this. There is no need for "running starts" or "cannon balls". If the target is hurt at this phase, nobody wins.
	#4. Perform a repeated "rolling" motion At this point the target should be fully conscious, but unable to respond due to the fact that they are fucking pissed. Perform the rolling motion repeatedly until you are satisfied in your victims suffering. Resist the temptation to apologize afterwards, for they would have steamrolled you just as quickly had the opportunity arisen.

Defensive Techniques
There is little that can be done about a steamroller once it has begun, other than cry for mercy, so it important to know that the best defense against a steamroller is to act early.

Steamroller warning signs
To the victim, the best steamroll is the one that never happens. Unfortunately, steamrollers can strike at anytime and without warning, however researchers have devised a list of indicators that show a heightened risk of steamrolling, items include:

Your friends are drunk

The RoadBlock
The easiest way to foil your attackers plan and destroy his genitals is to raise both knees in the air quickly after it has begun. Regardless of impact velocity, he will be screeching like a woman for minutes. Don't be fooled, this move is not easy, it will take much practice before you can pull this off properly.

Firepoker Through The Torso "Defense"
If you suspect that a steamrolling may occur, find a firepoker or other long pointed object and place it next to you before going to sleep. When the predator attempts the maneuver, simply raise the object in the air. Since this retaliation is usually fatal, it is wise to consult a lawyer afterwards.

History of the Steamroller

It is a common misconception in Western cultre that steamrolling is named after the construction machine "the steamroller", while in fact it is the other way around. The fact that a "steam-roller" uses steam to roll ashpalt into shape, bearing simlarity to the name, is merely an incredible coincidence. The origins of the word result from ancient aramyic. Stey-mro-lar, translated litteraly bears the meaning "to crush a victim while sleeping." It was in fact Christ himself who coined this term after steamrolling one of the apostles. Its pronunciation has been preserved throughout the generations.
The origins of the act itself have never been conclusively found. Records of steamrolling have been found in many archaeologically significant locations. For example, a steamroller delivery was described in hieroglyph inside the great pyramid of Giza, possibly as depiction of an assination attempt on the pharo buried inside. Incredibly, a recent dig unearthed a fossil of two homo-errectii involved in a steamrolling.

For more informatiom about steamrolling consult your local library, or MSN Mike.

	Steamroller warning signs To the victim, the best steamroll is the one that never happens. Unfortunately, steamrollers can strike at anytime and without warning, however researchers have devised a list of indicators that show a heightened risk of steamrolling, items include: Your friends are drunk
	The RoadBlock The easiest way to foil your attackers plan and destroy his genitals is to raise both knees in the air quickly after it has begun. Regardless of impact velocity, he will be screeching like a woman for minutes. Don't be fooled, this move is not easy, it will take much practice before you can pull this off properly.
	Firepoker Through The Torso "Defense" If you suspect that a steamrolling may occur, find a firepoker or other long pointed object and place it next to you before going to sleep. When the predator attempts the maneuver, simply raise the object in the air. Since this retaliation is usually fatal, it is wise to consult a lawyer afterwards.