Counselling for marriage breakdown

Advice for a Lost Love

Dear Dr. Kim,

My wife ... has decided that she no longer loves me nor does she want to be married at this time in her life. We have two lovely children and a nice home. We live a comfortable life. At first she claimed that she had had enough of my temper. I did have a short fuse, lost my temper at times and got mad. It did happen from time to time, mostly due from interference from my mother-in-law or sister-in-law. I won't go into details, but I now do have things under control. My wife agrees that our marriage wasn't that bad and that I am a good father, husband, provider. She...works nights...and I work during the day. She sends them off to school and I am there to greet them when they get home. I feed them, drive them to their activities, help with home work and see that they get to bed. Nothing I seem to say to my wife seems to stir anything in her. I truly love her and she says that she loves me, but is not in love with me. Have tried some counselling, but when the counsellor heard that she doesn't love me anymore, she seemed to back off and didn't try to get anything out in the open or suggest anything that we might try to get it to work out. Am I correct is assuming that if the other party is no longer interested, then all is lost, I hope not. Thanks for listening. -- Broken hearted in Toronto

Dr. Kim replies:

I get the impression from your letter that this is a marriage worth saving, and that in any event there are some things that need sorting out and clarifying. You will need to understand what went wrong even if it turns out that the marriage cannot be saved, because it will be more difficult to let it go and move on if there are unanswered questions in your mind. Therefore I recommend that you look for a counsellor. Your best bet would be a psychotherapist with an analytical training who is also a marriage counsellor, as it will likely be necessary to go into the problem at more depth than the average marriage counsellor is equipped to do. It would be best for you and your wife to go together. If she is not willing, I recommend that you go alone. . Worst case scenario, you have got the best help, and if it doesn't work out it will be easier to let it go and move on with your life; and if you are successful, expect your relationship to be much stronger and more satisfying than it ever used to be.

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