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Dec 31.04 (new year's eve) For some reason, we had a big giant ham to roast tonight. And I, like my sisters, am not a big fan of hams. So family was invited over to our house, to help make the ham disappear. I know this sounds like a strange thing to do, but it's not the sort of thing anyone thinks about in our family. Then I spent a good long while getting dressed up for new year's eve partying, even though everyone had bailed out on going down to Nathan Phillips, forcing me to last minute take up an invite from the North York gang. Apparently their plans for the night were vague. But goddamnit, I spent untold hours putting together an outfit and making myself all pretty. Hours I'll never get back! So fuck if I wasn't going to looking smashing on new year's eve, whether anyone cared or not. Especially on one of those days when you have a permit to make ugly, criminal fashion mistakes in public. These can't be passed up -- otherwise what's going to entertain us in our middle ages when we're flipping through (possibly sad digital) photo albums. So to be festive, I belted my moss pants with my cream necktie, and I used my brown/white belt cum tie to match my burgundy dress shirt. I would've even used some of my dad's old ugly ties just for kicks but they didn't work as well. Add on quasi-spiky bedhead and a few more accessories and layers and then you have my look for new years '05. 100% queer style, baby. As usual, York Region Transit is free on new year's eve, which is a good promotion for their service, *and* for dissuading drinking and driving. So on the bus, there was a whole hodge podge of different kinds of transit takers that you don't usually get on regular days. Took the subway for all of one stop and got off at North York, which was very strange for me since it'd been many years since I'd been at Mel Lastman Square. However, nothing was going on there apparently except for the immediacy of the smell of pot. I also noticed there were lots of police officers and security people wandering around, as if waiting for all hell to break loose. It didn't look like much out of the ordinary could happen in this area to me, but it was sort of good to know they were around. Went into the Empress building to wait, since I couldn't reach my friends and I didn't want to wander into Milestones where they were eating and search for them. I drifted a bit and then just sat, wondering what I was doing. Thankfully some dumbfuck throwing coins down from a few floors above interrupted these thoughts as my phone rang. I was given the location of the North York crew, so I went into the gigantic Milestones and found everyone. Dinner was just winding down so I just waited to find out the night's plans. At this time, I was also supposed to out an old classmate, but I found I didn't have the nerve to talk to the guy. Too much "gay meets gay" tension. So we basically just mutually ignored each other's presence. After everyone was finished, what happened was that everyone milled around, everyone with their own nebulous plans and ideas for what to do next. After everything, the whole group just ended splitting up and doing their own things, which was sort of dissapointing since we'd all gotten together anyway. But I guess eating was the only thing everyone wanted to do. I headed back to a friend's house, where we ended up watching dry late night tv and waiting for the last minute to flip to the countdown at Nathan Phillips Square. Why we didn't go is something I'll never understand, but since it wasn't my thing, I can't really complain. Besides, it beat the hell out of being at home eating ham and watching the kids play video games. (or did it?) At around three in the morning, the remaining four of us decided to call it a night -- but not without attempting to be the last customers for bubble tea at First Markham Place. For the record, we made it there before closing, even if we weren't let in. A lesser night on the town with old friends brings this year to a close. If 2003 was a 'woo hoo' year (and damn well was), I'd say 2004 has been more of a persistant pressure in the head. The kind that depresses, but can only linger after a good, hearty, well-earned hangover. --------------- Dec 30.04 Taught myself how to tie a tie, so now I'm going around the house finding all the ties and tying them, just because I can. And then I match them to an outfit, just because if I don't, I'll lose my gay parking spot (because that's what G1 stands for, right?). So that was a nice little rite of passage, meaning I no longer have to ask my dad or friends (in the last minute band uniform change) to tie them for me. I feel like such a man. Now I can relate to those sad little tie-shaped cards we made in kindergarten for father's day. There is a masculine mystique to the tie. Probably has something to do with the whole male-oriented business culture and strictly regulated male business attire fashion code. But I can't figure it out; I'll just make superficial plays on it. Had the euphemism of the year, but my best one drew from an experience a little too close for comfort, and even then I couldn't come up with anything that wasn't fifty percent ripped off of a cliche phrase. --------------- Dec 29.04 There was supposed to be a big group of us going to karaoke in the evening but in the end it turned out to be four people. So instead we went to -- where else -- World Bowl (and paid their precious holiday premium). And me all dressed up as a Korean in work/play casual, with the tie and everything. Afterward we went for late drinks at a restaurant, where I betrayed a friend's family store by getting ground almond soup. Now that's guilty pleasure. --------------- Dec 28.04 Hid in the back seat of a car like the psycho killer in that urban legend, cramped up and numb for what seemed like forever (probably only five minutes), just to surprise a friend. I'm all for surprises but sometimes I think the original meaning of the whole 'surprise party' mentality has been lost in some other era. Had breakfast buffet at the Golden Griddle -- paid a bit of a premium for it, as it was somehow a 'holiday' buffet. Sort of like how the World Bowl loves to jack up the prices for any occasion, like exam week, and then hide the rates so you don't even know what you're paying. Those bastards. But then again, a lot things you pay for are like that. Depending on what day it is, or what time it is, or how old you are, you'll pay different amounts for the same thing. C'est la vie. I finally used my movie pass from last year to watch The Life Aquatic at Paramount -- it wouldn't be worth it anywhere else. Nevermind the fact that it cost $9.00 in transit anyway. In three days the pass would have expired. The movie wasn't as enjoyable as The Royal Tennenbaums, but as always with Wes Anderson flicks, it's all about the tone and timing. It's cute and strange with good music, and I think, when you 'don't get it', there's any real point to be got. Of the ensemble cast you have to pick the person who's having the most fun with the movie, and Willem Dafoe is the scene stealer in this one. A nod goes to Jeff Goldblum being himself, but with a touch of pink. --------------- Dec 27.04 Mostly a quiet off day. Got together with some friends in the evening to play mahjek. Now, I was under the impression that when girls get together to play mahjek, it's all very juicy. But it wasn't really. In fact, it was pretty tame. No screaming and cussing and throwing tiles and making threats on each other's families. I guess that's only between my other friends because we know each other a little too well. In other world news, a gigantic tsunami has struck much of East Asia since yesterday. Apparently this is of catastrophic proportions -- we're talking long-term damage. It strikes me how many more people's lives are directly affected by this natural event than the September 11, 2001 World Trade Centre attack, although that eventually had global implications. I also wonder, if it weren't for the media, when, if ever, people like me would hear about this event. Once again you realize that a lot of what we know about the world is based on what other people tell us. --------------- Dec 26.04 Ah, boxing day. A joyous day, and how long have the 364 days been since I last enjoyed thee. Made the pilgrimage downtown early in the morning to check out the deals. And it was pretty good this year, from what I could tell. But there wasn't much that I really desparately wanted, except for this zip-up that I'd had my eye on for some time, and then got at half off. I braved the dreaded 'lines' for that, but oh, sweet validation. A wild coincidence: I was at the Disney store trying to figure out which Pooh to get for a friend (trying to estimate at what pricetag I'd become a cheap bastard). I'd called someone else for help, and was being given that future-gift-receiver's cell phone number, when who walked right in front of me but the devil herself. So there I was, asking her what she wanted and buying it in front of her. In fact, I ended up standing in line for her family and carrying their purchases with some money her mom gave me. So my present was among the four other similarly themed and identically priced presents. It was all in good humour though. Not wanting to be a total bastard, I notified her that she'd get the present some time later, unexpected, when she'd long forgotten I'd ever bought it. At least then it would sort of be a pleasant surprise. The snow was falling down in big, lazy flakes, making for a lovely quiet day, but also devilishly covering up the all the black ice on the streets. On several occasions I slipped and fell. On several of those occasions my keys flew out of my pocket and I had to do the snow search. Otherwise, the experience was fun and not really very stressful, unless you count the "should I buy or not?" angst. Note about boxing day: the great thing is that this is the one day where you can shop wherever you like and no one will make you feel awkward, because you're amongst thousands of others like yourself: insecure scavenger rats looking for a scrap of meat torn from a normally dignified and exotic animal but on this day, wounded and at the mercy of the masses. When I was done for the day, I got home and got changed for a small scale high school Asian reunion of sorts. My ride arrived very early so I was pressed for hair time. As a result, I threw some gel on (and I have long forsaken gel) -- and the result was (not good). We had bubble tea, pissed off all the waitstaff, took a lot of pictures, caught up, got stiffed on the bill, all the usual stuff. Had some cake and watched a movie. I tried wasabi crackers, which are very tasty. Why do I get the feeling that these are the Chinese people that we'll be gossiping about in our middle ages -- the ones we don't know or care about but talk about in earnest, as if the direction of their lives somehow helps us to orient our own? --------------- Dec 25.04 Christmas Day Before getting to my mom's side of the family Christmas party, we made a stop down the street to visit my great grandmother, who wasn't coming because she wasn't feeling well. As far as I know, this is the first time I've ever been inside the place where she lives. We did the usual smile-and-nod routine when she gave us some candy and money and showed us some pictures. Most of the time she was talking with my mom. Looking around, it occurred to me how depressingly boring it must be to live like that. All by yourself, in a small little room with nothing going on all day. And of course there are always people to see and things to do, but there are certain implications and let's leave it at that. I guess it's true about fearing old people because they remind you of your future. Shortly after, it was all Christmas cheer. Video games and snacks and chocolates everywhere. Dinner was good -- there were potatoes. The presents were well-intentioned and I have no complaints. I may have trouble using more gift cards as my wallet is getting rather hard to close from last year's leftover credit, but there's nothing wrong with that. When I got home, I took stock of all the stuff that I got this year, as usual. Sue me for being materialistic. When it comes to material, I'm very goal-oriented and accounting gives me piece of mind. That also means that the fifteen pounds I've gained since my trip to Guelph one month ago (marking the last time since I've worked out) has not gone unnoticed. It'll probably weigh on my mind like a black cloud of adipose tissue until I get off my ass and do some physical activity again. Whenever that'll be. Ho ho ho from the jolly old fat man and a happy holidays to all. --------------- Dec 24.04 (Christmas Eve) Mostly relaxed during the day, taking in the Christmas spirit. And by that I mean eating lots of homemade cookies and listening to Christmas muzak (the real music is upstairs in my room collecting dust. It's too much trouble to get out. Plus I'm upset at how little holiday music got played on jazz radio this year. I require more.) Revelled in the cleanness of the house, spent a little time ruminating on what I'm going to get this year. Later, we headed over for my dad's side of the family party. It seemed like everyone had a camera or some sort there, it was like the zoo. The presents were run of the mill but there was some nice stuff. The food was hit and miss as usual, but not bad. It was brought to my attention (by my mom, incidentally) that they never serve potatoes. Maybethat's subconsciously why I don't usually enjoy the food from my dad's side. All they need are some potatoes. We also participated in a party trick where a bunch of people lift a person with two fingers. (one of the things you do at those motivational leadership functions) We actually couldn't do it that well without focusing, but after, it was cake. We couldn't lift the instigator -- which is unfortunate, because he's rather hefty and it would have proven the validity of the trick. But let me testify to the church of scientology: mind over matter; it works. We opened our own family presents that night when we got home. I got a new belt-clip watch (my old own bit the dust a long time ago). Meanwhile Melanie kept rubbing it in how she got everything on her wish list. I guess this is just a 'want-not' year. For tangibles anyway. --------------- Dec 23.04 I had made plans for the whole day to hang out with old school friends, starting bright and early with skating at harbourfront at 10am. All fine and dandy except for the 15cm of rain currently falling on us. We braved rain, ice and slush of various colours (mostly blue, grey and brown) and arrived at the rink, where a nice lady apologetically told us they had to cancel it for the day, and that it doesn't usually happen. Darn it all. And us with our skates and everything on such a beautiful day. That wasn't going to spoil it though -- the next item on the to-do list was shopping. And we had TTC day passes. We took the PATH as far as Queen St.,just for the fun of it, and then the subway to Bay. Shopped our way through the Manulife Centre and the Bay Centre and to lunch at Springrolls (it's been a while, for sure), and then continued our path of destruction down Yonge through Eaton Centre. Ideally, we would have done Church but my friend has a fear of (fun), and Queen but there are only so many hours in a day ya know. Plus, we'd reserved a couple of hours at Eglinton just to check it out. So the subway to Lawrence it was, and then down Yonge again to Eglinton. I don't know why, but it seems to me like North Toronto appears to have so much shopping, but really there's nothing at all. I can't put my finger on what's there (unlike, say, upscale yuppie loft and condo furniture on King St.), but something's just not there. There was even one store where the door was locked and you had to buzz to get in (but by the time we figured it wasn't a joke the store owner let us in). Then we were told to leave our skates and bags by the door, so we could have the privilege of browsing through the overpriced and not-all-that-exciting designer clothes while the owner chatted with another employee as if we weren't the only people in the place with opera music playing in the background. When we were done, we got our stuff and hastened to the exit -- which was locked. What kind of attitude is that? I would never buy stuff from a place where you have to beg to be let in and then to be let out. The only thing we bought up in Eglinton was shortbread cookies. I dropped mine in the slush, but it was my friend's treat and I felt bad so it was still good as far as I was concerned. The cookie was slightly wetter, colder, and saltier, but tasty nonetheless. Finally, shopping done with (and sometimes I have to admit it is fun shopping with someone else, just because you get to go places you don't usually go to), we headed up to an old familiar place in my heart, Fairview Mall. I hadn't been there for maybe more than five years. I could still find my way around if need be, but mostly everything in between feels different. And bigger. Up above the food court we waited for everyone to show up. Supposedly there would be over fifty people from all over the years. Some sort of gifties yearly get-together -- this year was Ocean's Twelve. No one of real importance showed up before we got in the theatre, which was supposed to be booked. Our presence dominated more or less, but I use 'our group' lightly since a lot of people (mostly me) didn't know the others. I took the opportunity to do a head count of the homosexuals (the night's total came to about five. Should have been a few more somewhere). The movie itself was good, even if I got so lost. Soderbergh is always cool and so is David Holmes (soundtrack, for all the music geeks). Afterwards, we lingered outside the theatre, forming this massive group of Asians, which was disappointing since I recall our old school group being pretty diverse. There was a lot of seeing familiar faces after seven years, which was an exercise in recognition. Some were friendly and pleasantly surprised, some were mildly enthused to indifferent, and some were rightfully or forcefully ignored. Seeing everyone after such a long time, you get to notice what's essentially the same or constant about their characters, and what's changed (predictably). It must take a certain kind of species to wonder what people think about me -- if I'd even registered at all. Sometimes you have to wonder about that too. Eventually other movie-goers started leaving other theatres and there was a river dividing our group. For a while I was stranded on the other side of the people I knew and then, if I were another giftie in another group, perhaps still in school, at this reunion, I probably didn't even know or care who those people at the function were. This thought was kind of disenchanting so at the first opportunity I forded the river and continued to imagine that I'd missed out on a big happy extended family when I left North York. When our mass became too much of an presence, someone from security asked us to move down to the food court. There, we stood around for a good while chatting and discussing what to do next. Good to know it's not just my friends and I who can't get our plans together. First, the idea was to go to a little coffee shop. Where? Up in Elgin Mills, of all places. They were talking about the Williams. I didn't know that was some sort of well-known establishment or anything. But I was fine with that, as it meant I was right up in my neighbourhood and could ask for a ride home, guilt-free. Somehow we ended up going to bubble tea at First Markham Place instead, but it was still close enough. There we stayed late and didn't order second rounds. A fun night, and refreshing. I think I'll instate myself as an honourary North York giftie ex-pat. --------------- Dec 22.04 Instead of going out, I stayed home and cleaned my room. Which was all healthy and refreshing in its own right. Took me the whole bloody day, but I did it. I finally did it, damn you! I give about one week before it becomes a stinking cesspool again. Influence is a wonderful thing. It's almost like evolution by conjugation when you think about it. You pick up things from other people and and you exchange that people you know. Sometimes it's a phrase or a joke, sometimes its a life-changing philosophy. Positive or negative aside, I guess it's all in the name of change and progress. Can't argue with that. But in that vein, the implication is that it's not enough just to influence change just once. You've also got to keep up or get left behind, just like everyone else. "Keep running to stay in your place," says the Red Queen to Alice. --------------- Dec 21.04 (first day of winter) First official day of holiday break. The cold snap was slackening, but it was a dry, frigid day nonetheless. There weren't any clouds in the sky, I remember. I was outside, and staring into space, and at that precise moment, I could see water crystallizing out of the air. Not snow -- but water crystals. And then I had this thought that this was all the same as that first recrystallization I did in chemistry, watching the acid crystallize from solution. Perfect refined crystals, slowly forming like a spider web of icy needles. From nothing. Too slow to catch with your eye, but so undoubtedly occurring before you. And then water was just so much dihydrogen oxide. But, beautifully so. Everything is just chemicals. And atoms, and protons and neutron and electrons that we'll never see. And it's not like we all haven't had these thoughts before, but now I feel like I can actually feel them somehow. As in the matrix. The world is still astounding on the surface interactions. Spiritually. But when you see what it's all made up of, how it's all the same inside, but so complex, well that's something else too. Aside from the day's epiphany, didn't do much under sunlight. But in the evening I cut my hair, went to a friend's house, got poisoned by gas leaking from the fireplace and watched old movies. And for the record, I wasn't the only one who thought White Christmas is so ripe with homosexuality. --------------- Dec 20.04 The day of my last exam has finally come. Took the GO train dark and early in the morning, as it was still in below thirty weather and I couldn't brave the elements today. The exam actually went much better than I expected, as I didn't have that dead, blank feeling when I looked at the questions. Slaving away the weekend in the books paid off, it seems. But will it be enough to pull up my mark from the fifties range? If only I'd put that much effort into the work beforehand, honestly. It was only after doing the work that I'd renewed my enthusiasm for organic chemistry that had died with each reaction we learned. That doesn't mean I'll be taking any more organichem next year, but it shows what a great professor Dr. Dicks is. After the exam, I was feeling so good that I threw health to the bitter wind and decided to go shopping after all. My face was as red as my scarf, but I couldn't help smiling for some reason. Visited Active Surplus on Queen St. (probably wouldn't have found it if not for that guy who stands on the sidewalk yelling "Active Surplus upstairs" all day long) They have the coolest, most useful and useless junk there. I could see fine arts students, grow-ops owners, grad students doing shady lab experiments, and engineers all using the graduated cylinders, syringes, IV tubes, catheters, electrical gear and circuitry that they have for sale. I was looking for some wire, just to play with. This is from back in the day when my dad worked at Rogers, drove us around in the back of his van where equipment would fall on us, and brought home lots of odds and ends including conducting wire which I made shit out of. At the area at the back of the store with all the wire on spools, there was a sign saying "don't cut your own wire. Push the button for assistance." And underneath the sign there was another sign, and underneath that was a big, red, glowing button a la Austin Powers self-destruct panels. The second sign was quite elaborate. It read as follows: "THE BUTTON". There was no one around. It was like some freaky psychology experiment. I pushed the button. Somewhere near the front of the store, a loud buzzer sounded, and I heard nervous laughter from other patrons looking my way. But an employee came and cut the wire for me, spooling it into a length counting machine and winding it on this funky crank. I paid four bucks for eighty feet of wire in funky colours, so I was happy (even though eighty feet turned out to be very little). So four dollars bought me a few hours of nostalgic child-like creative fun with the wire. But everyone should check out active surplus and just pay a few bucks for wire just for the excuse to push the big red button. --------------- Dec 19.04 Finally, we get a taste of true Canadian winter weather. A cold snap is moving in, and today's temperature is -32 degrees with wind chill. This sort of charged in with no warning, but it's fine with me. Although I've never seen so much water condense on the inside of my windows before. By the end of the night there was big, solid, chunky ice covering the edges of all of the windows in the house. I studied away, writing pages and pages of chemical reactions and mechanisms, changing lead into gold and water into wine and performing all that scientist black magic. --------------- Dec 18.04 Since nothing happened today I'll just comment on the upcoming break. It should have started yesterday but since organic chemistry just had to be scheduled on the last day of the exam period, I've still got a lot more studying to do. Which is the reason for the blankness. Looking at my schedule, I start to have this unpleasant feeling like bile rising in my throat that I'm not going to end up making any plans or doing anything of significance over the next two weeks that I have off. I should be worried but that lazy, complacent, sloth in me says "fuck it." I think that sums up the philosophy for year 2004 pretty well. --------------- Dec 17.04 Had dinner for my grandmother's birthday downtown. Nothing else remarkable about the day. Not even the fortune. --------------- Dec 16.04 Woke up and finally put my finger on another of my recent stress symptoms. My jaw. It hurts. And it's because I've been clenching in my sleep. It could be because of the cold, but I think it's probably more because of the stress. This is a painful new development. Well, now that I notice it anyway. The biochemistry exam was better than I thought it would be. I actually knew how to answer most of the questions. Afterward, hung out with school friends at the good ol' 2-4-1 to compare answers, and it occurred to me that, despite having long spares, I hadn't really socialized much at school this semester. What have I accomplished at school since September? Probably nothing major. Oh, wait, unless deciding to try to switch schools and programs counts. Maybe. Still, that doesn't really have anything to do with where I am currently. In which case it's back to nothing. --------------- Dec 15.04 All the exams in the world couldn't stop me from watching the finale of America's Next Top Model. As I watched Eva take the crown (figuratively -- that would be so trashy), I realized I'd never actually cared so much about the outcome of a reality show. But maybe that's because generally finales aren't usually very surprising or exciting. Can't wait for the next season. And in the same vain, what's up with Manhunt? I don't have Showcase at home so I'd have to wait for it to come on basic cable but they're gonna have to show a little more aggressive campaigning if they want my viewership. Wimpy posters just don't cut it. Especially when you throw on sunglasses, old-man underwear and big black boots. How is this supposed to make us want to watch the show exactly? --------------- Dec 14.04 The studying commenced again in earnest this morning, though I did give myself a library break, bringing home a stack of books which I intend to read over the break. I think the stress is finally starting to sink in, because I'm starting to find my mind is too restless to go to sleep these days. That and my bladder only starts to relax when I'm well into my sleep. I think I woke up once for every two hours of sleep I got overnight, making the total number of trips to the bathroom around four. Not including the ones before going to bed and after waking up. --------------- Dec 13.04 The physiology exam started at nine in the morning so I took the GO train, the better to avoid any unforseen circumstances. It was challenging and tricky, but I having studied from the point of knowing next to nothing to having a reasonable handle of the material, I felt good. This was rewarded by shopping on Queen St., with which I intend to familiarize myself as well as I know Yonge St. (and how I know Yonge St.) --------------- Dec 12.04 Blocked out the whole day for studying and followed through with it, to the point where, at certain times, I was almost reaching that feeling of despair and frustration where you want to cry and mash up your face and rip your hair out. Definitely one of those moments where you scream "Why do I have to know this bullshit?!" "Sympathetic preganglionic efferents from the intermediolateral horn of the thoracic cord partly synapse on the chain of ganglia parallel to the spinal cord." --------------- Dec 11.04 Spent much of today relaxing, which was probably not a good idea. But it looks like I'm not going to be able to keep up the whole studying every damn day thing after all. I watched Mean Girls (filmed at UT) and Twist (also filmed in Toronto but explicitly so), which had a great soundtrack. The movie itself was okay but probably not for everyone. And it is worth noting that it didn't really need to be based on Oliver Twist to work, since that whole aspect is more of a parallel than an interpretation. --------------- Dec 10.04 Wrote my biology exam at Sheraton Hall, where there was a table of cookies and juice for exam writers. How thoughtful. What wasn't thoughtful was the guy writing his test in front of me, who had must have stupidly thrown his books under his chair or something. When I finished the first draft of multiple choice, I slumped back in my chair to take a bit of a breather, and I saw his notes sprawled out on the floor. Really smart. Not wanting to look like a cheater, I did my double-check quickly and then got the hell out of there. --------------- Dec 09.04 As I was eating lunch to prepare myself for the physical chemistry exam, I spilled a small cup of orange juice on my pants. Smart. So I spent precious minutes with the hair dryer, trying to get rid of the dampness before I had to sit in it for two hours. Most of it was gone by test time, but I had to take off my shoes while writing. There is nothing worse than soggy socks. The actual exam wasn't so bad, but as usual, Scholes was supervising our room. I still want to kick his ass back to Australia. Thankfully, I didn't see a flock of girls swarming him to ask questions afterward. Keep your damn panties on, girls. It's called dignity. --------------- Dec 08.04 Last official day of classes, though most people probably didn't have any mandatory lectures today. The unlucky group of us in physiology did. I was probably supposed to be studying for tomorrow's physical chemistry exam but I watched House of Flying Daggers. And I need to emphasize here that it is not comparable to Hero in any way. It's a lot more like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon in that the story relies heavily on it's central love triangle, which you don't care about, and the fight scenes, which aren't overly impressive, and the soundtrack, which is supposed to compensate for the lack of depth of the film itself. In this movie, everyone dies for no reason and the plot twists are many and often cancel each other out. Sadly, I think the majority of the population thought it was better than Hero. Go for the obvious. --------------- Dec 07.04 Took the GO train to school this morning to avoid further rush hour craziness. I've also started studying for exams. Good for me. Since I have a few days in between each, I think I should be all right. As long as I can hold focus. Classes are essentially over now so there's nothing left to do but hit the books. Meanwhile, I've completed my application to Michener, so crossed fingers on that one. --------------- Dec 06.04 It appeared to be snowing big this morning. That would be a nice backdrop for some early afternoon shopping, I thought to myself, as I boarded the bus. There, sitting with a friend from the Ghoster Coaster 2004 crew, we were stuck for a good solid two hours of traffic to get to the subway. You'd think people had never seen snow before (although you'd think the people on the bus had never taken public transit before). I made origami cranes out of chocolate wrappers to keep myself occupied and positive, despite losing all of my planned shopping time. No matter, since I went shopping after class anyway. I got to try on some fitted jeans that I fell in love with, despite getting winded a few times. But I'll wait until post-Christmas to make crazy purchases. Learned my lesson from last year. I also bought some desparately needed hair clay. Just the thought of having none makes my heart beat faster and my palms sweaty. I think I also need new shoes too, since I have no snow traction on my older pair. This is a by product of walking back and forth on endless circles and tracks at Wonderland. I wonder what Vanna White's turnover rate for shoes is. --------------- Dec 05.04 Completed the weekend by doing essentially the same shit that I'd done yesterday. The food was making me feel better, though I only wanted more. The implications of addictive thinking as a driving force in my life are staring me in the face so it's probably a good time to reread Choke and forget all about it. Exams start this week so I'm going to be tied up for a good long while. Then it's the holiday break, for which I have no plans yet. --------------- Dec 04.04 Happy birthday to me. I don't know how to interpret this year's coming of age. Nothing extrinsically has really changed since last year. Plus, the weight of getting older and having done nothing with your life is starting to press down. (And at the moment I'm not relishing being a nineteen year old virgin.) The tone is questionnable. I hadn't made any plans, and I couldn't motivate myself to make a shopping trip becauseit was going to rain, so I dressed up and lounged around the house looking really good. Eventually I got the idea that it would be fun to take a trip down memory lane and play some old video games, so I called up a friend and we did that, which was lovely. Then dinner rolled around and I ate as if I'd never eaten in my life. Comfort food. By the end of the night I was feeling pretty bloated, but temporarily less empty so I reverted to normal slob phase and went to bed. --------------- Dec 03.04 Yesterday in class I saw someone wearing a santa hat. Not one to be outdone, I wore my santa hat today. Since the Hart House jazz band concert was tonight in the arbor room, I was also wearing all black. My outfit wasn't as snazzy as it had been in theory, but I definitely wasn't the worst dressed. Plus, red does go so well with black. It turned out that only four people from my support group showed up to see me, one of which got there early and held a table for around ten. Mr.Horner was there, which was a bit awkward but appreciated. As for the actual concert, which was recorded, well, I guess it could have been worse. We didn't impress ourselves or anyone else, and rightly so. But it's good know it's not all just me for one thing, and it's great to be playing again. Post-concert, we hung out a bit and I went home early. The decorations were up in the house. Am I really nineteen? --------------- Dec 02.04 My throat is a little sore, I'm not sure whether its from being sick over the past couple of days, or whether it was from last night's experiment in self-damaging or a little of both. This will be the first time I've ever missed a Markham Theatre concert in my five years of attending them, all because of my night biology lab, the last of the term. I can't say I'm going to miss our TA, Lan, very much. But she had her moments I suppose. Probably better than having Carolina (EE-nah, not AYE-nah), who taught our physical chemistry lecture with Gary (my own TA). She had nothing important to impart to us, and her bitchy attitude was rewarded with a good part of the class walking out on her. I felt slightly bad upon seeing the giant dark circles under her pits, but remembering that I'd paid a good $410 to take the course, that guilt evaporated. Her unfortunately localized sweat didn't. --------------- Dec 01.04 played in the ash and lost the day Sometimes it seems like everything you've done over a certain period of time has led you to a certain moment. I just had one of those experiences today. Over the last thirty hours, something had been constantly pricking my mind, a dangerous little voice telling me to revel in the joy of my St. John's Maple Leafs tickets like I knew I wanted to. Yet I didn't, fearing that by handling them or simply laying eyes on them, they'd disappear, like in the story of Eurydice. Did I not trust myself, or was it a false confidence? Or was I subconsciously setting myself up for failure? You look back, and realize every seemingly insignificant decision you consciously made, subconsciously, you knew it was wrong. After the fact. It wasn't until we'd parked the car, until we were walking towards the Air Canada Centre, that I took the envelope out of my pocket with more than a little dread, and then -- as if I'd always known -- realized the tickets weren't inside. Panicky, frantic, intense searching ensued. And even as my trembling hands checked and rechecked everywhere, the little voice in my head said, "Don't act so surprised." I was losing my shit just struggling to remain calm. Don't show any weakness, that's the most important thing. At some point, I think, I could feel when the puck had dropped. (But I could just be fooling myself, because I had no concept of time passing and I avoided looking at the clock.) I could sense I was going to hit that zero dignity point, so I just gave up. It's the weak thing to do, giving up is. The night could have been salvaged, but it would have been too difficult. I wasn't up for that. It's human nature, surrendering. Embracing futility, weakness, failure, vulnerability. And it feels so good. This is reality. The pain of it was real, not metaphoric. The tears, they burned my face. It was acid burning, not like fiery heat, but like icy chemicals corroding steel. That was the physical sensation of it. I'm not making that up. I didn't look for the tickets when I got home. If I never see them again, or if they materialize under my pillow in a few weeks, it makes no difference. The damage has been done. I had been expecting this. It's the third year in a row and I'd seen it coming, had done everything in my subconscious power to ensure it turned out like this. What I hadn't been expecting, what really hit me hard, was the realization that this time around, I didn't have anyone to blame but myself. There was nothing left. Slumped on the floor in the bathroom, fumbling in the dark with shaking hands, lighting my first ever, God-given cigarette, I thought to myself, this is all me. Sweet, sweet poison. Not how I'd expected. It was hot. Not sexual, just hot. It wasn't unbearable, but I wasn't really pulling the smoke into my lungs. I just wanted to get it over with. Character building, that's what this is all about, I said to myself. I burned myself, putting the cigarette out into a soap dish. Sat there, for a while, heart pounding, breathing in a shallow way to avoid thinking. Or making too much noise. Some time later I found myself on my knees, hanging on to the edge of the sink with my fingertips and my chin, slippery from my freely flowing saliva and mucus, rinsing and spitting and drinking a lot of water. I avoided looking up into the mirror, even though I wouldn't have seen anything anyway. It was all too dark. I lit a candle and sat for a while with the window open, to let the air out. Took a few pictures so I could remember the moment. It was probably a stupid idea to leave the room as it was while I got something to eat because when I got back, I found my sister trying to look like she hadn't just been snooping around. The cold draft had waken her. I cleaned up, saved the ashes. I don't know what I'm going to do with them, but I tend to do things like that. Lay in bed, wondering exactly what the extent of the damage I'd done was. There are still a few more days left before my birthday. I still don't know how this is going to play out. --------------- |