Thursday, December 22, 2005

How do you mend a broken heart?

I lost a button on my fuzzy white sweater. I don't know how it happened. I should have realized it awhile ago, when my shirt wouldn't button up right. Figures. This was my favourite shirt. This button was only a small part, but I liked it when it was whole before. Complete.

I go on my computer and I fuck up again. I can feel myself typing the letters. I can watch my fingers do it, but I can't stop. I read. I read until my head goes into my hands. I don't know why I do this, there really isn't a reason. But...

I stare down at my shirt, I see the frayed bits of string where the button used to be. If I knew where it button went to, I would sew it back on. How did this button fall off? I must have been too careless.

I pull my baggy black sweater over me, so I don't have to see or think about it.

aerith at 1:36 AM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Monday, December 19, 2005

But, I only mock because I love. Not.

I am feeling...
fuzzy, I guess.
I want to dazzle you,
tickle you--
taste you.
I want to make you laugh so hard your sides hurt,
and make out till our lips are chapped. (won't happen.)
I want to be
under the sea...
in an octopus's garden in the shade.
I reallly do--
I'm not just quoting the Beatles.
I have always wanted to be a mermaid.
I have this strange feeling it'll never happen.
Damn and blast being a grown up!

flourescent lights and cotton candy warmth.
i want to be there again.
let's spoon, and touch, and all those things i've waited for so long.
yes.
fucking yes i feel good.

insecure boys love the crazy, unstable girl.
good thing you were insecure as hell.
what did that fucking brunette do to your mind?
red is the way to go.
red blood, scars, roses, and wine.

i need you to say those things so i can justify how horrible i feel inside.
commisterate with me - make me feel you coming down on me and my habits.
thank god for this cigarette.
in-between porcelin hands and lips and, fuck-i'm-tired's.
concave ceilings, smoke wisps floating upwards into it.
i've needed this for so long.

broken glasses, messy sheets and smeared makeup.
im still sexy. this is screaming photo op.

wait... i need to pop these pills..
these small beauties that give me salvation, swallow me up in glorious happiness.

im going to do these things before the end of winter
- find meaning in hopeless people
- damage my liver
- fool around with people i'll only know for hours
- feel as if i'm taking my life in a good direction.
- spend my money on killing myself with cancer sticks
- be more sticky and beautiful than edie sedgwick, but i dont know who she is
- possibly pick up an STD or two.

..can this be it?
am i getting somewhere?
i feel important and loved.
this must be home.

but why do i feel like shit all of the time.

whatever.

good night, ladies.


love,
Kristen 'FUCKING makes a better fucking you than you do.' Way
(i tried to mimic your writing style, but as hard as i try, i just couldn't make my grammer and spelling your caliber of horrible.)

aerith at 3:28 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Our First Date

We laugh together all day.
You make jokes, we tease back and forth.
We're obviously kidding ourselves if we think we're fooling each other.

The day stretches on, and so does the tension.
We laugh at the same jokes.
We tell the same stories.

Your eyes keep telling me what your mouth wants to, and I just don't want to see...
I don't want you to see in me what I've hidden away for so long.
Well, maybe I do.

Shuffling in my seat, my gaze goes up without thinking.
I forget to remember to not look too long in your gorgeous eyes.
Whatever I was about to say stays on my cold tongue.

You can see right through me when I stammer and pull a sentence out of nowhere.
Something non-threatening.
Something non-committal.
Something about the play or the weather or how long the bus is taking.
You don't reply.

You look down, at your fingers and the hands I love...
Safer than your eyes, and just as beautiful.
I'm suddenly aware of how tight you're holding my hand in yours.
I know I should talk, but...

My mind is like a skipping record, stuck on the thought of your skin.
The thought of your lips, your neck, your back.
The thought of your voice saying those things...
The ones that play over and over in my head.

You say, "You know I like you..."

I can only manage to mirror your lips with my own.
My fears and indecisions fall into a heap on the floor.
I hold on to your hand as we step over them.
And nothing has ever felt so right.

aerith at 8:03 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Saturday, December 17, 2005

What to think about when you're waiting for the doctor to be ready for you.

Strong feelings of desire and longing distort the mind's perception of right and wrong.

But it's enough for now.

aerith at 2:09 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Friday, December 16, 2005

Goddamn me and stupid love poetry.

You.
I've been waiting on a chance to tell you some things...
Some things that I would do to you.
And some things that I would beg you to do to me.
Maybe sometime...

You.
The first time we touched
I knew you wouldn't be mine for more than a day.
We will not get caught.

You.
I don't need you.
But I do want.
And wants left un-satisfied turn to needs.
I don't want to need you.

You.
I wouldn't need to tell you.
You would know.
Your skin on mine would tell you enough.
Sometimes there aren't any words.
But, those aren't always necessary.
Sometimes there are only sighs and the sounds of linens sliding over bare skin.
Afternoons are made for such things.
Sometimes...

aerith at 2:47 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Last night...

You did something for me and I couldn't stop thanking you. In fact, I thanked you so much that I don't even remember what it was you did.

You were dressed in all black when you hugged me and joked, "You're such a slut." I pulled away and kind of laughed.

It's amazing how you manage to make me feel pathetic even in my dreams.

aerith at 4:39 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Somehow, I knew I would get it right...


Bill: Now, it's time to test your nerdiness. What game is this from?
Kristen: Final Fantasy Tactics.
Bill: Congratulations, you win eight nerd points. Unfortunately, nerd points go straight to your thighs.

aerith at 12:28 AM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Something I think everyone could do without.

I think at least 50% of musical artists have made some kind of bird reference, or said they were going to 'fly away' or some crap like that. It's the most used phrase/metaphor/piece of crap in lyrics or poems.

I bet most of the people are artists like Christina Aguilara, Kelly Clarkson, or Alicia Keys.

You know what I'm talking about.
I'm free as a bird... I'm going to fly away... Spread my wings and fly... I'm like a bird... etc.


And then, they have to mention how they're being opressed, like they're so much better than everyone else, yet are trapped by society.
I'm a caged bird... they won't set me free... not allowed to sing my song... gotta break free and fly away...


Please, stop. Music needs some more originality. This has been done, many times before.

I did a quick search of the words 'bird' and 'fly' on azlyrics.com, here are some results of the songs it returned.

The part that really gets me is the 'spread my wings' bullshit. Please. There are other ways to can say you're "free". I search 'spread my wings', here were the results.

Goddamn. I don't even want to go past the second page, I'll be here forever. Most of it doesn't make any sense. Try telling my Budgie he's free, you know what he'll tell you? "This bitch gets to choose when I eat, and whether or not I have to sit in my own feces for weeks. If I fly, it's into the side of my cage. I'll do that right now."

It's usually the ones blessed with the gift of flight that are put in a cage... how sad...

aerith at 12:42 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Monday, December 12, 2005

If everyone had worked a $6/hr job instead of playing Matchmade games, they would have earned $1.1B.

I was browsing around the XBL forums, and found a link to Bungie's site with an article on the stats of Halo 2.

It's written well, and I found myself laughing a bit too. However, the most impressive part of the article was the numbers of hours and games people have played.

Man-hours played in Matchmade games: 184,137,245. That means (in plain English) that the total number of hours spent playing Halo 2 by individual players is over 180 million... And just in case you're wondering, that is roughly 21,006 years.


Say what?

When I started reading the part about the gamertag with the most games, I thought about a guy I was in a party with today. He told us that he'd played 2014 purely slayer games, that doesn't include the other ones like CTF or Juggernaut.

I almost didn't believe him, I mean... that's a hell of a lot of games. So when I read the there was a person who had played 14,919 games, I was floored.

Assuming each game was fifteen minutes long, he's spent 3729.75 hours of his life played Halo 2. That's 155.5 days of his life. He's probably spent at least 20 hours just lagging out of games. Or 7 hours just tea bagging.

I just wonder how he can play so many games and NOT be GSpot or the Ogres. That must be frustrating.

Maybe I should show these stats to my mom to compare with my playing habits, because this guy puts me to shame. That's upsetting, is that wrong? I feel dirty envying him.

I'm going to go play some Halo...

aerith at 12:20 AM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Sunday, December 11, 2005

How to make me smile.

Send me an e-mail telling me to be happy (in song).
Say something nice about me indirectly.
Assure me my breasts are fine the way they are. (Without me asking.)
Call me and make me laugh.
Give me a two dollar tip.
Tell me you want to order the ass of a dead skunk.
Say you wouldn't want to slash my pretty face with your gunblade.
Surprise me at work.
Well, just give me any kind of attention. That usually does it.

aerith at 12:52 AM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Friday, December 09, 2005

How to tell when you've played more than enough DDR.

You have developed a patch of blood underneath the skin on your foot, which you've named endearingly 'Spot.'

Money loses all meaning and value when in loonie form.

You seriously consider playing DDR all night over other things like, sleeping.

When not playing DDR, you play Stepmania. Or think about playing DDR.

You save up loonies for the next time you will be at the mall.

You make plans with people to 'go shopping'.

You post something in your blog about how much you love DDR...

aerith at 10:38 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Thursday, December 08, 2005

"If I only had a brain..."

Dear "Lohan",

Are you stupid? If the answer is no, do you take any drugs and/or alcohol that would render you temporarily stupid? No? Ok. Then we must assume you are an intelligent individual.

Moving on, are you aware of what a petition is? Yes? Are you aware that when you sign a petition, you are agreeing with it's terms? Yes? So I guess you agree with me when I say that they should get rid of the Steeped Tea campaign. You don't agree with me?

Then why the fuck did you sign the petition? Do you realize you're supporting my cause? What are you on? You're like one of the many Ashlee Simpson fans that signed the petition against her just to defend her. You're worrying me, Lohan.

According to your comment, you state that "Steeped tea is good" and I "should find something else to worry about." I have some responses to that.

I never said that Steeped Tea didn't taste good. I think it tastes great. You know why? It's the same damned tea that's been around forever. I have no qualms with the taste, it's purely to do with the marketing and complete insensitivity to their loyal customers. They didn't have to lie to us, you know.

I probably made that petition in less time than it took you to sign it. I didn't toil for hours on it, I don't think about it every second of everyday. It's something I did on my free time. Lohan, I don't insult what you do on your free time. No one else should either, you have the right to do what you want to.

And I guess on YOUR free time to chose to click on the link for the petition. And on YOUR free time you chose to sign it, therefore petitioning against what you think "tastes good."

Here's a tip: Next time you are going to sign something, it might help you to actually read what you're agreeing to first. Especially things like contracts, or, hmm.. petitions.

Nevertheless, thank you for your support. I appreciate it.

Sincerely,

Kristen


aerith at 12:30 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

How to make me love you.

Give me the most sincere thousand watt smile I've ever had, causing me to go into convulsions of happiness and making my morning less craptacular.*dreamy sigh*

aerith at 10:33 AM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

If she is my Gandhi, that makes me her Gashy.

The first time we met I was sitting in the desk opposite from her on my first day in a new elementary school. I was scared shitless, I had been crying all the weeks before, and I was praying that God would smote me or at put me back under the covers in my bed.

But, none of that happened. Instead, I was introduced to her. She drew, played video games and collected Sailor Moon cards, how cool is that? Besides the occasional beating and 'toughening up', we were the closest of friends.

She introduced me to things I already had an interest in, but didn't really pursue. I always liked anime, video games, drawing, but I never really became passionate about them because they weren't common hobbies with my other friends. Her and I could do all of those things together.

And not much has changed since then, we still draw, play video games, and try to FIND her old Sailor Moon cards. But now, sometimes I get to give her a beating. (And then apologize profusely... don't hurt me...)

She's always told me what she honestly thinks, rather than what I want to hear, and that may not be desirable to some but its the right thing to do. It's what friends do. She's taught me the importance of being independant, of making your own decisions. She's taught me the importance of sometimes putting your friends before yourself, and not to hold on to damaging relationships.

There also isn't anything you can't talk about around her. The word "taboo" it not in her vocabulary. I can tell her things I've never told anyone else, and I don't have to be afraid of weird looks, or her looking down on me. (Except when I say something like, "Ninja Gaiden is too hard, so I stopped playing.")

I don't think she knows how much I appreciate her friendship, because I'm not very verbal with things like that. I don't think she knows how much I love her because I'm always afraid of sounding insincere when I say it. I don't think she knows how much I've admired her drawing, her gaming, her designing, her attitude... but I guess she should because she deserves to be praised.

She's my:
Sensei
Lover
Pimp
Sister
Double-Team partner (I'm kidding! GEEZ!)
Sugar-Mama
Negro
Drinking buddy
Body guard
Best friend...

She's my Lani.

aerith at 11:25 AM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Can somebody please tell me when this stops?

She hurts me she hurts me she hurts me... I'm not going to pretend she's not there and maybe this is never supposed to go away but I'm going to be stubborn and be in denial and pretend that this will all go away when I become a better person so I can say, "I used to be like ____ but I'm not anymore and I'm that much better off so I don't need her, but she still hurts me she hurts me she hurts...


Ouch.


"

aerith at 12:25 PM

0 with insubstantial exuberence

Friday, December 02, 2005

Lies whispered to me.

I am over this.
What lump in my throat?
I am not reading these words.
These thoughts have no substance.
Those letters aren't sinking into my skin.
My stomach isn't twisting and knotting.
I am worrying alot about nothing.
You don't matter to me anymore.
I gave up on you awhile ago.
I am overreacting.
I am over this.

aerith at 12:15 AM

0 with insubstantial exuberence