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Sep 30.03 Today just sort of vanished into thin air. Nothing going on yet. Well, commencement is a week away so let's address that. I got three awards: Ontario Scholar (honour roll. let's not pop the cork yet.), Music departmental award (I'm actually elated about this one. But modesty prevails, since everyone this year was deserving.), and the Bayview School Life award. At first I was excited about that too. But looking at the other people who got that award and the people who got better awards, I actually feel this petty bitterness stirring up. Without listing all of the reasons why I feel slighted, I'll discuss this from a different perspective. Which is: why did I try so hard? I could have gotten to where I am now without much effort, and considering what I have to show for it, it seems like I did. I won't lie: I chose my own path through high school, and it's been personally fulfilling. If I compare what I've done to taking the low road, there's a lot missing that I wouldn't be able to look back on without regret. I can validate myself, but I can't deny that I very much seek self-validation from others. It's OK if I fail, but only if someone knows how hard I tried. And once again I've been overlooked. At least, I feel that way. So, who's slighting who? Should I be modest? Should I be bitter? Until I figure that out, I guess I'm not realizing the full potential of all my experiences. Let's see if I can amount to something then. Because the way I work, it's all or nothing. --------------- Sep 29.03 Went for late night dinner at a Malaysian/Thai restaurant, and for once, ordered more than I could eat. It was not a nice feeling. The service was kind of horrible (waited 45 minutes for the food, got the check about 10 minutes after finishing) but the food was tasty. Well, interesting, at the least. Also did a little catching up, which was ... well, what's another word for nice? --------------- Sep 28.03 Had a big work pileup in preparation for the next day, the longest day of my two-week cycle. Had the realization that Mondays are bad, but the pre-Monday dread is worse. --------------- Sep 27.03 MADTV and a little bit of cards tonight. It almost, almost, felt like things were the same as they always were back in the good old days. Almost. --------------- Sep 26.03 Went out with Adam Karen and Jaclyn tonight. We drove around mostly and had some chitchat. Kenneth came along later, and we played Laserquest (finally!) with 6 people, where we mixed up all of our names. Greg got 28 points! What a loser. And I can't believe Falconi got 500 points! That's amazing. Jaclyn just sucked. Another big change today. Got to experience things from the flipside of the coin. --------------- Sep 25.03 Nothing interesting today. Thursdays are sort of shopping days every other week, so I got a pair of jeans. Funny how they just keep getting smaller and tighter. That's got to be looked into. --------------- Sep 24.03 I had a rather disturbing dream over the previous night, and it goes something like this: for some reason, capital punishment was being reinstated by the devil, and when I spoke out of line, I was (rather unfairly arbitrarily, I think) to be the first to be executed. Along with a few other friends. But the point is me, and the dream was sort of like the movie The 25th Hour, where I had to figure out what I wanted to do before I died. The whole experience was quite different than what I would have thought. More screaming, swearing, frustration and all that other nasty stuff. It's definitely changed my outlook on death. FYI, for those interested, I didn't get to the dying part. By that time, I was already half awake and more in control of the dream. But at one point I remember playing with my cat, and thinking ... this is what it's going to be like to die ... Don't have dreams like the above. We're just not able to deal with this. Knowing how much time we have left, and thinking about how to use it. Should we live each day like our last? Such things aren't meant to be thought out like this. (Well at any rate, it's cheating at the game of enlightenment.) Stayed downtown again tonight. No dreams please. --------------- Sep 23.03 The previous night was alright, having stayed downtown. It was somewhat cold and creaky, but worth the convenience. Did I mention that I lost my music jacket a few days previously? Well, I got it back in the lost in found. I was overwhelmed with joy that I didn't know was possible to obtain from a jacket. My pants and shoes were still soggy from the previous night, but there was nothing that could be done about that, except for rolling up my pants and taking off my shoes every chance I got. Later, went back to Bayview for my music fix at the enrichment band program. Definitely a nice feeling that I'm missing. I'm not really doing that much, but it sure beats the hell out of the Hart House symphonic band. --------------- Sep 22.03 I was planning to stay downtown in my 'home residence' tonight, so I'd brought all the necessary stuff with me. Shirt, underthings, socks, toiletries and whatnot. But I didn't bring pants, for two reasons: a)pants are heavy, and b)there's nothing wrong with wearing pants for two (or ten) days without washing them. As it so happens, it rained like a you-know-what, and I had to walk/stand around for something on the order of an hour and and half for a no-show, in which I had plenty of time to get my lower half soaked. When I was done all my classes, I went back to my 'res' all soggy. Good thing I'd brought all my lab equipment ahead of time, otherwise I'd have to choose between walking around in my underwear at my grandmother's house, or staying cold and wet in soggy pants all night. I gladly donned my lab coat and watched TV for the first time in weeks. The moral of the story is: don't blame Toronto for adversity, as I watched one man do, while we stood in the rain for our own reasons. As I always say, blame yourself or God. (to each his own.) --------------- Sep 21.03 Drove around my neighbourhood this time, and avoided parked cars like the plague. I also avoid that scary 40km/h mark. Gives me the shakes. --------------- Sep 20.03 Went to the Richmond Hill library to further my learning. Along the way, I got my first 'driving' experience around the GO station parking lot. Driving is so much harder than it looks. --------------- Sep 19.03 Got a taste of the hurricane today. It wasn't as bad as the stormy nights at the beginning of August, but I had to be outside this time, and was thoroughly soaked. And so was my bag and jacket. You ever have one of those days where every little seemingly insignificant decision you make comes back and bites you in the ass? This was one of those days. Sucks to know that all the elementary and secondary kids have the day off when university students are supposed to be the ones with free Fridays. On the bright side, things got better when the biology lab started. Our TA, Sandra, was quite cool and the environment was extremely pleasing, despite realizing that there was actually *some* work to be done for the labs. We (minus the me) handled insects and other creepy-crawlies and made some more friends. I'm starting to like the labs just for the social atmosphere. --------------- Sep 18.03 Took the GO train for the first time this morning (and met up with a whole bunch of other Bayview commuters on the platform). And I always thought that the train would be noisy and bumpy and the subway would be smooth! At times, I couldn't even tell if the GO train was moving, that's how soft it was. Stopped at BSS for business and pleasure. Ran into my 'IEP' advisor in the photocopy room, which was a bit weird, but kind of nice. And watched a little bit of the gigantic choir practice with a more than a little bit of pride. I couldn't believe how many smiley waves I got. Talk about your warm and fuzzy moments. Went to Bayview Hill elementary school at night to represent the BSS enrichment band. Couldn't find my beloved music jacket so I had to wear the beloved-but-somewhat-less-so band sweater. Thankfully, I had some other Bayview company to take on the parents at the porter's desk. It was a long night, but I got the chance to work on my 'sociable adult' speak. --------------- Sep 17.03 Walked past a garbage can and heard a rustling inside. I stopped, and waited for a few seconds to be rewarded with by the sight of a squirrel clamboring out of the "cans and bottles" hole. Had my physics tutorial today. Our TA, Sorin, didn't speak English that well either, but it was apparent that he would be a hoot later on. I stuck around in the same room for Maria's chemistry tutorial right after to get some much-needed extra help in the break before my own chem toot. Her TA seemed OK. At the very least, he could speak English. Later, in my own tutorial class with Amisha, we met our TA Christina, who looked very strung out. She didn't appear very lenient but we liked the way she taught. I finally understand the chemistry stuff now. Does that mean I like it now? Not a chance. --------------- Sep 16.03 Rode my bike for downtown for the first time this morning. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was a tense experience. Didn't let my mind wander for a second, lest I be blindsided by some Chinese food catering truck. In the courtyard today, a girl named Sylvia sat next to me on the bench while I was eating lunch and we had a chat about university (what else?). It was fun, but it occurred to me that it was very hard to think of anything non-school related to talk about. I didn't get any calculus work done, but I think getting to know someone on campus, even if you may never see the person again, was the better of the two options. Later, in my long break, I made the long trip to my beloved 241 pizza joint only to discover I had no cash. Disgruntled, I had to go back to the bank and settle for a hotdog. Dusted off the old trombone and did some last minute practice/preparation for tonight's open rehearsal for the Hart House symphonic band with Wilma. Although my tone was quite narsty, I was pleased to discover that, again, after a period of not playing, I more comfortably reach a higher note. At the rehearsal, I found half the trombone section to be of unidentifiable old age. It turned out that the one with the hint of a bald spot was doing his masters, and receding hairline was in his 5th year of his PhD, and had recently got married (which didn't stop him from having a debate about the right to flirt). The practice was OK. Nothing dazzling. I decided to go to enrichment band instead of this one, and not only because of the truly punch-in-the-face irritating diva next to me who kept on moaning about the first chair parts. --------------- Sep 15.03 Had my chemistry lab today, which was *not* fun. Way too much work. Our TA, LeTian, is alright, though his English isn't fantastic. The safety video was a bit of a laugh, though everyone seemed pretty uptight so I kept my comments to myself. However, finally made friends in our lab group -- we clung together like water molecules to form a network of support. In the Garden of Eden that is the UC courtyard today, a bird was chirping around at an arm's length while I was sitting on the steps eating lunch. Its movements were so quick and animated, I realized I probably looked like a big dumb cow placidly chewing cud. I know you're not supposed to feed birds bread, for many reasons, but I did anyway. Leaves slowly rained down like a dream. Why is it that images of university are often associated with autumn? Whatever the reason, it was quite romantic. On the subway back home, my eyes were wandering, and they came upon a moth fluttering towards the lights in the car. How had it come to be, lost and disoriented in my subway car? For some reason it reminded me how moths will often flutter in the light for some hours and are found later, dead, on the table or the floor underneath the light fixture. --------------- Sep 14.03 Came downstairs this morning to find a stack of DVD's on top of the TV. Something tells me my dad's been at the 7 for 7 for 7 deal at Roger's again. Oh boy. Long week ahead. --------------- Sep 13.03 Woke up, and for a brief moment, thought everything was a dream. Funny how good our subconsciousness is at protecting us from change. I guess that's why denial is so ugly. Went bowling with Kenneth, Jada, Sally and Jaclyn for a little while and everything was as before. More or less. After, went to First Markham for food court dinner, and then watched Once Upon a Time in Mexico, which was horribly, horribly, laugh out loud funny. The cheapest boyfriend in the world (which is funny in itself) was definitely at ease, making asses of ourselves in the theatre for the first time since the golden days of Chad. Mega points goes to Johnny Depp, again, for (however easily) stealing the spotlight of Antonio Banderas (and Salma Hayek's) movie series. --------------- Sep 12.03 I have every other Friday off because my biology lab is every other week. This week was the off week, so I went down to Bayview to help out at the music room with some friends. Got to see a lot of my younger friends too, which was fun, *and* a superiority boost. Later, went out with Renee and Kenneth to Demetre's for late night dessert. I had a tongue depressor and then flipped our worlds upside down and inside out, which, for the record, I am proud of. Some things will never change, but I think that a lot changed tonight. For sure, it'll ensure that we stick around for a little while longer. We'll see what happens, yes? --------------- Sep 11.03 Nothing much interesting going on at school today, aside from noticing how the various wildlife at UT has been accustomed to our presence. My textbooks were too heavy so when I got off the bus, I decided to wait at Bayview for my ride. It turned out to be parent's night, so I hung out with the prefects and folded stuff. Had a bitter snap at home today, after which things got extremely sour and ugly. And I decided to make a decision. Believe it or not, but that's a big thing in my little world. --------------- Sep 10.03 Wednesdays are the days when I *don't* have to wake up at 7:00am to get to class. Physics was easy wheezy, with Harrison's loud breathing amplified for all to hear. Since my tutorials hadn't started yet, I had some time to kill before my evening psychology class. So I went to the (wide open) Hart House, where by some luck, one by one, most of our Bayview UT group assembled. We visited the clubs booths and pretended to be interested so that we could earn a spot in the raffle for a laptop and chatted animatedly only to be let down. None of us won. Had a long nap and then headed out to Convo Hall for my PSY101 class. Prof. Wall was fantastic. He was extremely comfortable with his material, and his lectures were easy to follow and had the perfect combination of visuals/slides, oral info and useful examples. His timing (presentation and comedic) was outstanding. And his voice isn't hard on the ears either, despite its similarity to Jeff Goldblum's. We did an experiment where we had to stare our oppposite sex, unknown neighbour in the eye for 1 minute, with extremely interesting results. Psychology is definitely my favourite class. --------------- Sep 09.03 Chemistry was supposed to be review but I found it highly confusing. Maybe it was because there was apparently some unspoken rule to print out 30 slides of lecture notes a day, which I hadn't done. Winnik was alright. He was 'funny' but I don't like the way he gives his lectures. Calculus, on the other hand, was refreshing. Leblanc wasn't anything special but the course material was challenging (but not too much so) and interesting. I'd enjoy it a lot more if I didn't have to cross Queen's Park to get there, though. Especially when making the 20 minute trip from that class to the physics lab in 10 minutes in the winter. Since Wilma was with me, we attempted a 'dry run' (more like sweaty brisk walk) of the trip, and fell 5 minutes short of our goal. Went to the bookstore to pick up more books. That was one hot, hellish hour that I never want to go through again. --------------- Sep 08.03 Today was my first day of class at UT. Time to kill > 07:00am -- wake up. get 'ready'. > 07:30am -- leave the house. get a ride to Finch. > 08:00am -- get on the subway. > 08:40am -- arrive at oise/ut. auditorium not as big as I'd expected. saw serena, got seats together with laura and maria. > 09:00am -- prof shows up, looking exactly like I'd expected. since time=money, 'you're wasting my money' became my new phrase for when people are being stupid in class. it took a good while to get the course outlines handed out. subways roared and shook the auditorium every few minutes, but prof. browning was great (aside from the ums and uhs). turns out that my binder frenzy was in vain. > 10:00am -- flock of students stops traffic to head down to convocation hall. I, having time to kill, head to woodsworth, where the osap line-up extends into the quiet study area, and illicits a 'can you shut up' from one of the students. > 10:30am -- head to convo hall where my physics class would be soon. was forced to wait outside while the class was still going on inside. was hungry. ate one half of sandwich. > 11:00am -- like a human heart in dire need of a coronary triple bypass operation, the masses 'moved' in and out of the hall. took about fifteen minutes to find my seat in the first balcony level. > 11:15am -- physics was what I expected it to be. enough said. now i know why people don't like the inept savaria. serbanescu was ok despite her esl accent, and harrison was all right in a hippy sort of way. > 12:00pm -- having a six hour gap to fill before my next class and having no friends, sat out on the field and enjoyed beautiful weather, lunch, a book of zen, and dragonball comics. > 01:30pm -- couldn't endure any more will-bending relaxation, so headed to robart's to check e-mail and then went to gran's house for a miserable attempt at a nap. I was introduced to my room in the basement and given soup. > 04:00pm -- headed out for hart house and must've walked through the wrong ivy-covered archway, because I found myself in the middle of a bee-yew-tiful courtyard, which turned out to be the university college quad. uc is now officially the best college. made the decision to come by for a little peace in the quad every day. > 04:30pm -- explored hart house. not too much going on. > 04:45pm -- headed back to con hall to hang around some more. eventually I just went inside and got a seat and waited. saw kevin, who sat with me. rowe was ok. so was eckenwalder. but the class was just review. > 08:00pm -- final exodus at con hall. people were rushing past the smiley, neglected walk-safer escorts to get to the subway. and I thought I was a fast walker. > 09:20pm -- got home. So there you have it -- an intimate look into my first day as a university student. Basically, the same as high school but with longer breaks, longer walks, no extra-curriculars and no friends. --------------- Sep 07.03 Went down to Woodsworth for a Q&A session before school started, to find that the room was empty. Having thus committed myself to waste about $7.50 and knowing that there wasn't much left for me to do downtown, I stuffed my face and finally worked up the nerve to go to the comic book store and bust my wallet on (English-translated) Dragonball comic #1. My precious. Finally got my bathroom sink drain unclogged today. No more scum or slimy water that doesn't go away or smell of diapers for me. --------------- Sep 06.03 Random shopping including last minute school supplies and McDonald's, after having not eaten there for quite some time. Then, Kenneth's house of cards. Mercifully, no murder. --------------- Sep 05.03 Went downtown to write my G1 test, which was painfully easy (I passed.) . I was with my parents, who both had engagements until lunchtime, so I had some free time to kill after I bought some exorbitantly priced textbooks (and nearly broke my back). However, since I'd just been shopping the previous day (and in truth, for the whole summer), the prospect of doing more so (well, in such a small timeslot anyway) seemed unappealing despite the fact that I probably would have been able to write off any expenses that day. Thankfully, I ran into a friend from the golden era of Seneca Hill P.S. who I'd been talking to recently about university, since we would both be attending U of T this term. She was kind enough to show me what the university atmosphere was really like Regretful am I now. Though still bitter. Always bitter. Ate lunch down by the Grange, which was, as always, very interesting. Then afterward, headed home to receive two friends for whom the school day at Bayview S.S. had just ended. We played billiards and discussed various relevant matters that one would imagine could be shared between a university student, a high school student, and a high school student/could-be should-be would-be university student who are all music movers-and-shakers (I wish). Even later, we had a gathering of a non-res UTSC student, a non-res UTSG student, a non-res Bayview student, and two Guelph students. Add envy to that list now, please. But never you worry, of course. Jealousy is merely another form of flattery. --------------- Sep 04.03 Went downtown to check out more stuff. Met some other people down there by chance, so we looked at textbooks and classes. Later, we did a calculus diagnostic. I got the lowest score among us (I got 50% of the mark needed to achieve "BIG TROUBLE" status), so that was supposed to show me that I had to review in the four days left before school started. Ample notice. Counting Stops I saw a guy on the subway train who was very deliberately counting stops (something we all did to settle insecurities on our first TTC trips) on the transit map. I watched his fingers walk a path along the paper. He must have caught me looking or something because he asked me for help on how to transfer subway lines in the right direction. I tried to offer advice, but since I'd only transferred once at that stop, I was not exactly being a fountain of information. After I'd given all I'd had to give, the traveller started to ramble about how confusing this was for him, and how he'd previously gone in the wrong direction. I could only listen, smile, nod, and then sit back down. I knew he still didn't quite get it. When his stop came, I saw anxiety in his eyes as he got out of the train. I saw him stop, look this way and that. I wanted to get out and walk him to his destination. But I just sat there. He turned and moved for the nearby escalator. And as the train started to accelerate, I saw by a passing sign that he'd gone the wrong way. I looked to my side, where the traveller just moments ago had been nervously counting stops along the map. Now he's in line at the turnstile. Now he's paying his fare. Now he's waiting for the train. Now he's getting on. Now he's taking a seat. And heading somewhere he hadn't intended to go. Can you help me? I don't know how to get to where I mean to go. No, sir. Whether by choice or by fate, I simply do not know. --------------- Sep 03.03 Trapped at home, feeling very bitter still. Had to retreat to the local library for sake of sanity. Very desparate. Very edgy. Very alone. --------------- Sep 02.03 Visited Bayview today and felt very out of place, despite blending in pretty well (I thought). Wasted $10.00 today going downtown for no reason and feeling very bitter. --------------- Sep 01.03 Labour Day. Went down to gran's house for family dinner. --------------- |