Introducing...

The world-famous, quintuple prize-winning, sextuple record-setting, TSE crashing, football field dashing, alcohol stashing, Oktoberfest bashing, joke rehashing, fountain splashing, Jumbotron flashing, Royal York trashing, stealth-BNAD stalking, imposter-BNAD mocking, Con Hall shocking, Gradball rocking, United Way walking, Scavenger Hunt jocking, hockey game shocking, chariot race clocking, Speaker's Corner talking; pop machine filling, ready and willing, Crown Royal swilling, "Yo, we just chilling"; CN Tower ascending, Cannon defending, peace-and-quiet ending, many patents pending; Coke machine wiring, world takeover conspiring, instrument acquiring, fear inspiring, introduction is tiring; seven-year-old scotch decanting, all nude all the time!!! Vanier Cup rejectin', premium beer selectin', Godiva ressurectin', tastes good with Pectin; Wheel of Fortune spinning, stereo winning; mad integrating, Nathan Phillips skating, Aramark^TM hating, triple X rating! Yonge St. crusing, Varsity Bluesing, eardrum bruising, music abusing, Blue Jay enthusing, referee accusing, rum and Coke oozing, Hart House Farm carousing, Iron Ring pursuing, Pratt Building, Four Seasons, Skydome, Eaton Centre, CN Tower, Innis Condo, Scarborough RT, Bahen Center for I.T., SKULE^TM Nite, Spadina Streetcar AND Sheppard Subway openings...

AND SUBWAY CLOSING

... The Lady Godiva Memorial Bnad! Marching Gregorian Chant Society, Renegade Musical Terrorists, and White Noise Brigade!
~ The LGMB (you know you love 'em!) in the F!rosh Handbook -- The 0T8 Edition!

So what happens when we need more energy in our society? Well, we start a war in a small Middle Eastern country...
~ Professor Christopher Kennedy in an EDV220 lecture

Lord, grant me the WD-40 to move those things that are stuck, the Duct Tape to fasten those things that are loose, and the wisdom to know the difference.
~ The Engineers Prayer

CAUTION: Hardhats are extremely vulnerable to theft, especially by heathen Artsies. Without an indestructable means of attaching your hardhat to your body (ie. a chain), you must guard it carefully and NEVER leave it unattended. If an Artsie manages to steal a hardhat, you must immediately point to the perpetrator while bellowing "HARDHAT!" Pursuit will ensure, capture will be inevitable, and retrieval is guaranteed. Artsies are inferior in more ways than one.
~ F!rosh Handbook -- The 0T8 Edition! on hardhats

Students come to me and say 'I read a paper that got an 80, but mine only got a 60, yet the papers have the same concepts!'. Well, that's why you got a 60! You can't tell the difference.
~ Professor Willem H. Vanderburg after first quiz returned in APS103

I'm abusing calculus really fierce here... I have delta G like I've integrated and delta P like I haven't.
~ Professor Greg Evans, after writing (delta)G=(Vgas-Vliquid)dP during a CHE112 lecture

It's not time for SUDS yet!
~ Professor Dietrich Burbulla, after a glass Nestea bottle got kicked over in a Friday MAT186 lecture

Lastly, bargaining for insignificant half marks here and there just isn't done. As a rule of thumb: shove your thumb in your mouth before you speak.
~ F!rosh Handbook -- The 0T8 Edition! on haggling for marks

This is reminiscent of a recent election... the minority was right.
~ Professor Charles Mims after taking a poll in CHE112, two days after the US Presedential Election

Lastly, a note to drinkers: please drink responsibly. If we find out that you drink and drive, the whole handbook staff (with the aid of the BNAD) will track you down and slap some sense into you. And then we'll write "Do not sell alcohol to this drunk driver" in permanent marker on your forehead. Don't test us because we'll do it. Seriously.
~ F!rosh Handbook -- The 0T8 Edition! on alcohol and drinking

This course will be one of the least technical you'll take in first year. It'll show you that by being a responsible engineer, you can save the environment, save people and ultimately save the world! The ambitious nature and message of this course is, unfortunately, hindered by a textbook that holds the world record for incomprehensibility. If you can come to us, and tell us to our faces that you truly and clearly understand the textbook, we will laugh at you... and then stop. Because liars are not worth our laughter.
~ F!rosh Handbook -- The 0T8 Edition! on the APS103F/S course

Speaking of Matrix-es, what's the determinant of NEO times MORPHEUS times the inverse of ORACLE?
~ Student Weijia Zhang, MAT188 bulletin board on CCNET